Born a Monster

Chapter 147: Servant of the Axe, 47 – Island of Sore Feet

Servant of the Axe

Chapter 47

Island of Sore Feet

My new boots chafed my feet. Of course, they did; they were made by Neonen for Neonen. When they became impractical, I hurled them to their doom far below.

Above us, the mountain loomed, jutting out of the ground like a giant molar. And somewhere on that slanted top, near the ruins of her farmstead, was the barrow of Invicta Gloriana, greatest wielder of the spear who did not wield the Legendary Spear.

Supposedly, she had decided it was the best fishing spot in the Itinar Empire, and requested to be buried there.

People must have been crazy; some of the steps of the path were less wide than my foot, and sometimes the separation between footholds was three feet or more.

.....

We six were tied together at the waist, with two guides on the ends of the line.

We moved cautiously, sometimes stumbling, but never falling.

And then there was Dimmihammas, agile as a monkey.

“This is... this is why we exercise.” I said, laying on my back on the first ledge.

“I’m too tired.” Kismet said. “Dimmihammas, punch Rhishi in the eye.”

“Chii chii chii?” he said, holding out his hand as though for a scrap of food.

“Or just be a stupid monkey.” She said.

“He’s good at that.” Madonna said.

“It’s okay.” Huffed Miss Turner, “We’re over halfway there. If the path holds, we’ll be there before dusk.”

“Wait.” Narces said. “If the path holds? On top of the rest of this, the path might collapse?”

“Not all at once, it’s why we’re tied together.”

“Nuh-uh. Boss, that’s something we needed to know before starting up this place. This is bad enough with the path stable.”

“Three times.” Gamilla said. “You want to go back down? I just heard it’s easier to keep on going.”

“Oh, Ares, god of warriors, grace my steps and I’ll make it up to you somehow.” Narces said.

Not the kind of prayer I’d have offered, but the path gave way under Puhawt rather than him, so I guess it didn’t hurt him any. And it was only the one time the path gave way.

One by one, we jumped over the new gap. We hugged the wall, and used our feet to tell us where the footholds were.

Oh, and if some idiot tells you it’s easier to climb with claws than without, please find out what TYPE of claws; I lost a talon on each hand and my left foot to that cliff face.

I mistook our arrival for a second resting ledge. But the smells of manure and sheep and people were unmistakable.

Wait, what?

I rolled over to get a better look. Nine small, square huts, coconut orchard, pine trees on the upslant, tiny versions of ranches and farms.

“Well”, Miss Turner said, “Unexpected but not unwelcome.”

Our native guides waved to the topsiders, who waved back. They shouted in a language I hadn’t heard before.

“Oh, they speak Itinar! It’s been decades!” Miss Turner said.

#

The Itinar Empire always bugged me. They came from overseas, conquered pretty much the known world (They had six Legendary Heroes to help them once the Manticore Blight had been broken apart.), and then just a few centuries later collapsed into civil war and gotten themselves conquered.

I mean, Vanity, Wrath, Envy, Greed ... I can see HOW they got into a civil war. But once one starts, how do you just wipe out so many generals and heroes that an entire empire just... you know, there are entire books on the subject. The ones I’ve read were written by morons who probably have difficulty talking to people, let alone figuring out WHY people did things. But maybe you can learn something about the Itinar that I haven’t.

And here, in the middle of nowhere, far to dangerous to enter and exit, were strawberry blonde of hair, such as you might find in Lavin Buscala, rather than the black or brown you see in old paintings. Slim, but not starvation-thin. In good health, but not overly muscled.

They had no guest-house, so we put up the same tents that we’d cursed all the way up the mountain. We put up hammocks on poles, although the Itinar assured us that sleeping on mats of woven bark was just fine.

“Husband, come to bed.”

“Soon, dear. I just need to whip up some Celestial Heavens faith for my spirit guide.”

“Some wives get to sleep with their husbands and share dreams.”

“Not after that stunt you pulled last time.”

“I didn’t know that was REALLY YOU. Come to bed.”

“Soon.”

It was so easy without Taint trying to claw free! Madonna was already asleep, but still wrapped her arms possessively around me.

[Lucid Dreaming successful!]

Manajuwejet responded almost immediately. “Yeah, that’s a much better look on you. Pongo’s waiting to talk to you.”

“Actually, is there an entity known as the White Skull?”

“There’s a crazypants called the White Skull. You don’t want to go there.”

“Does he hang out near the Blue Flame?”

“IT hangs out in that general area. Powers that Were, existed before words, take the worlds we got more important business regulating the natural order behind the worlds, yada, yada.”

“I need to go there.”

“Kid, Pongo. The Pongo that’s hearing good things about you? That Pongo wants to see you.”

“Okay, after the White Skull and I behold one another, we can go see Pongo.”

“Kid, it’s an either-or thing. I can’t take you both places for a single payment.”

“I should be able to whip up another point of Celestial Heavens.”

“Oh, well in that case, dream-time is wasting. This way.”

There was no balance to be struck with the White Skull; I needed more necromantic experience. But some day, perhaps some day soon, there would be.

And then, on the second attempt, the Celestial Heavens faith held together.

“You’re getting better at that, kid. Not good yet, but better.”

“Ah, Unapongo!” Pongo called. “Just the mass murderer I wanted to see.”

#

He was holding court with a slender blonde woman who might have stepped out of the village we were sleeping in, save for the scars and muscle mass. “Invicta Gloriana?”

She nodded.

“Well, a projection of her. She doesn’t have a lot of worshippers in the Isles.” Pongo said. “She’d really appreciate it if you didn’t, you know, kill them.”

“They don’t seem as eager to eat us as the others. I don’t think she needs to worry about hostilities in the immediate future.”

With a faint smile, she faded away.

“Yeah, that was all she needed. Now what I need is also simple. Could you not kick over every single gravestone you come across?”

“That’s hardly what’s happening.” I said.

“Unapongo. I don’t care what the truth is. I care what other spirits think is going on. Burrowing Bear thinks highly of you, so good with that. But she thinks that because Mako the Shark is furious with you.”

“Pygmie cannibals. They tried to EAT us; they tried to kill us, and I’m not sorry that they’re all dead.”

“Yeah, and the Grey Gods are happy with that, since you said prayers over the fallen and all.”

“Grey Gods?” I asked.

“Sorry, I sometimes forget how ignorant you are. Doom, then the Grey One, and then a bunch of death gods. Those guys. Oh, and the hells of Gluttony and Wrath are ignoring your contributions to their efforts.”

I shrugged. “Wife not the exception, the Hells can stay in Hell.”

“Well said, but just – you’re going around upsetting folks, Unapongo. You understand what that does to me?”

“Your worshippers seem to like and support my activities.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re very considerate.” He said in an annoyed voice. “Oh, and I’d stay away from Uatua’s daughter for a few seasons.”

“Watwa?” I asked.

“Uatua? The Kraken? Father of Sea Monsters?”

“Oh. Okay, didn’t know he had a name.”

Pongo cracked off a piece of bamboo, chewing it thoroughly before continuing. “Look, if you want to use the Unapongo title, that’s fine. What’s NOT fine is to use the Unapongo title and go around exterminating entire bloodlines and cults and such. That’s the sort of thing that has people upset about the outsiders. Don’t FORCE me to discipline you.”

.....

“Okay, I’ll cut back on wiping out entire peoples.”

“Please and thank you.” He gnawed on his bamboo. “So, you want to know what quests are open this moon? One’s really easy.”

“Which one?” I asked.

“In the very village you’re sleeping in, a young lady named Austonia Furia Auria loves a boy named Casius Anatolius. Problem is she’s sworn to that lady who just left.”

“Wait, you want me to help a priestess elope? Isn’t that exactly the sort of stuff that would upset the Invicta?”

“So that’s a pass?”

“Pass.”

“Good. So let’s talk about this thing you’re doing for the Sable Panther.”

“I thought they were black pumas.”

“Pumas, panthers. You want to do a quest, or be a naturalist?”

“For this matter, quest.”

“Good, that’s what an Unapongo does! So, what do you know about alternate worlds?”

#