After Our Divorce, I Still Wore Your Jacket

Chapter 50

As humans, there were always some things that people admired and revered from the bottoms of their hearts. Even if they managed to possess these things eventually, they would still carefully cradle them in their hands, protecting and cherishing them: like the brightness of a light, the fiery passion of a flame.

Yuan Ye was that ball of flame cradled in Fang Shaoyi’s hands.

He had travelled between film sets with Fang Shaoyi for a decade. From some unknown time, he had already stopped persevering in those matters he found morally right. Yuan Ye couldn’t accept those transactions and was disgusted by those deals, but it had been a long time since he had spoken out about them. This had been a cause of pain for Fang Shaoyi for a long time. Reality had boxed Yuan Ye in with its rules and regulations, causing him to become more and more silent. This silence accompanied compromise. A distinction for love and hate, a loathing for evil – Yuan Ye had been like this in the beginning. Later on, because of multiple different reasons, these identifying qualities about him became less and less obvious.

For a very long period of time, Fang Shaoyi had believed that Yuan Ye’s ball of flame had extinguished. Fang Shaoyi could only still get a glimpse of the qualities carved into the other’s bones while reading his books.

Thus, the fact that Yuan Ye had spoken up this time, his honesty, those sincere words spoken from the bottom of his heart, all were extremely precious to Fang Shaoyi. During the period that Yuan Ye spoke, Fang Shaoyi didn’t make any noise. Several thoughts quickly flashed through his head; there was a lot that he wanted to say, but in the end, they culminated into an okay.

The words that Yuan Ye had said out loud. The words that he hadn’t said out loud. Fang Shaoyi had been in love with him for so long. How could he not understand?

What had come out of his mouth was I don’t like this. Don’t film this movie anymore to fulfill my wish. The warnings that hadn’t been explicitly stated rang like an alarm by Fang Shaoyi’s ears. How could Fang Shaoyi not understand them? He had worked in the entertainment industry for so many years. Was that line in his heart still clear? Could he still determine right from wrong? Maintain basic justice or reap the benefits from staying in your comfort zone. What’s your choice?

If they didn’t share an intimacy resulting from years of love, if not for the fact that Yuan Ye had a thorough understanding of his lover’s personality and moral values, Yuan Ye wouldn’t have said these things.

Fang Shaoyi was sentimental and thankful about this. He didn’t say anything extraneous and spoke with his actions instead. No matter what, he needed to protect the flame that was Yuan Ye. But was he only protecting Yuan Ye?

Fang Shaoyi’s actions had ultimately offended many people: investors, producers, the director, the other actors. He had displeased all of them. This was the cost of staying true to oneself. Yes, you’ve reached a moral high ground. You’ve escaped this dirty corporation obsessed with profit, but what about the actors still in it? What was going to happen to the work already invested into the movie? There would be no way to compensate for the damage done to the investors. Only Fang Shaoyi dared to act this way. His status and background all ensured that he wouldn’t need to worry about not being able to deal with the subsequent consequences. No matter how agitated the investors were, they didn’t dare to truly stab him in the back.

Fang Shaoyi could handle these minimal repercussions, especially when they had been caused by his rare silent stand against the shadowy influences and dirty transactions of the industry. This was also why Yuan Ye dared to speak to him about this matter, to warn him against becoming numb and complacent in the dark. Sometimes, “it’s out of my hands” was only an excuse used to explain the way one was too accustomed to staying in their comfort zone. As someone not without morality, it was necessary to remain alert and steadfast: even if you were unable to stop those evil deeds from happening, you should at least refrain from becoming part of the evil.

There was no need to clarify what this thanks was for. They still had this bit of tacit understanding.

In the past decade, Yuan Ye had always stayed beside Fang Shaoyi. He had actually given up a lot of things. The focus of their life together was mostly on Fang Shaoyi, with Fang Shaoyi as the center of gravity. Yuan Ye was willing to adjust his life and schedule to match Fang Shaoyi’s, willing to follow him from film set to film set. This was easy to do for a year or two, but definitely wasn’t when kept up for eight to ten years.

They were both career-oriented men with admirable accomplishments in their own fields. One was willing to be the other’s follower forever. In its essence, this was already a type of sacrifice.

However, upon realizing that this kind of sacrifice had actually become a type of burden and restriction to the other, this would cause the sacrificing party to become suspicious. Suspicious if the manner they had been interacting with each other for the past decade had been wrong.

Three months after Fang Shaoyi left the film crew, the news reached Fang Han’s ears. Someone told him to get his son under control. Fang Han didn’t even ask a single question about the situation. He only said, “Don’t you deserve this for wanting him to film that type of movie? Don’t do it again.”

The old man didn’t say anything to Fang Shaoyi. He didn’t say that he had done wrong. The old man had acted for his entire lifetime and never lost his spirit. How could he scold Fang Shaoyi for being wrong about this incident?

Had Fang Shaoyi done wrong regarding this matter? Impossible. He had definitely done the right thing. But he had acted too scathingly: not tactful and proper enough. It wasn’t appropriate to resolve matters in this manner in the industry. If one didn’t follow the rules of this industry, they would end up with a lot of enemies, which was never a good thing.

Eventually, Yuan Ye found out about Fang Shaoyi’s original plan from Geng Jinwei. By then, everything had already blown over. The topic had only come up during a casual conversation. Geng Jinwei said that Fang Shaoyi had been together with Yuan Ye for too long. He had started being impulsive too. Geng Jinwei had smiled as he said this, but no matter what, Yuan Ye couldn’t force himself to smile in response.

“There was a scene later on where he was supposed to jump out of a car. We were capable of causing an ‘accident’ during that scene and he would’ve become mildly injured. This way, he wouldn’t have been able to continue filming,” Geng Jinwei said while looking at Yuan Ye. “He wouldn’t have had to pay for a breach of contract because it would’ve been a work injury. But he still would’ve needed to pay a bit, otherwise, he would’ve felt guilty. After paying, the investors would’ve even had to say thanks and express their gratitude.”

Yuan Ye stared at Geng Jinwei. For quite a long time, he couldn’t respond. He opened his mouth several times but couldn’t find the right things to say; he also couldn’t really describe what he was actually feeling. Everything was too complex. In the end, Yuan Ye pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He also handed Geng Jinwei one. The two of them smoked cigarettes while maintaining eye contact. In the end, Yuan Ye managed to smile too. He shook his head and looked down at the cigarette in his hand before saying, “Sorry.”

Yuan Ye didn’t ask Fang Shaoyi why he hadn’t shared his initial plan with him. Since Fang Shaoyi had never mentioned it from start to finish, there was no need for him to ask. Fang Shaoyi originally could’ve had a proper reason to leave the film crew a month later – he wouldn’t have needed to offend so many people and wouldn’t have truly gotten caught up in any shady business. He had his own considerations and his own methods. However, because of Yuan Ye’s words, Fang Shaoyi ultimately left the cast in such a manner, ending up on the opposing side of the rest of the film crew.

At a time like this, thinking back on what Yuan Ye had said back then was simply comical.

How could Fang Shaoyi lose his sense of justice? That was something carved into his bones, a righteousness inherited from his father. Even if Yuan Ye hadn’t said anything to him, he wouldn’t have lost it.

Later on, Fang Shaoyi became furious after learning that Geng Jinwei had told Yuan Ye this. It was rare for him to get so angry, especially towards his collaborators. However, that time, he truly threw a tantrum, leaving after slamming the door closed.

He hadn’t wanted Yuan Ye to find out about their plans at all. Using the unspeakable methods of the entertainment industry to escape the supposed swamp – who was better than anyone else?

The two of them actually shared a conversation because of this. Yuan Ye said that he was still too naive. He was already past the age of thirty, but still hadn’t mastered being tactful. Fang Shaoyi told him that he wouldn’t be able to learn being tactful even at age sixty: he didn’t need to learn it either. That was something he was disdainful of. If you said it was being tactful, it was. If you said it was being evil, though, it also was. Things were fine as they were now.

Fang Shaoyi had never hoped that he would change. His absolute sincerity and passion made him that ball of flame cradled in Fang Shaoyi’s hands.

Since that incident, Yuan Ye followed Fang Shaoyi around a lot less. He originally had a lot of personal business anyways. These past few years, he had always lived his life with Fang Shaoyi as his center of gravity. Looking back, though, it seemed like he hadn’t added anything worthwhile to Fang Shaoyi’s life. Without fail, Fang Shaoyi had his own ideas and plans. Additionally, his ideas and plans were right and more suitable. Thus, Yuan Ye no longer planned on getting too involved. He couldn’t help at all, so might as well not make things worse.

Fang Shaoyi was naturally very sensitive to the changes in Yuan Ye’s thinking. There were a few times he wanted to talk with Yuan Ye, but some things were always like this. Both of them wanted to get better and were truly working towards it. But in some unknown segment, a problem had occurred. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t fix it.

Yuan Ye spent a decade of his life turning himself into Fang Shaoyi’s accessory. He really and truly became that monkey squatting on the tree. Those qualities belonging to himself slowly but surely disappeared. The things he needed to accept and compromise with steadily replaced them. In a rare occasion, he had stood by his own morals and maintained his own integrity, but this had been a joke. The two of them were clearly together all the time, yet ten years hadn’t reduced the distance between them. All that had been there in the beginning remained.

Thus, Yuan Ye told Fang Shaoyi later on, “Yi ge, I feel like us being tied together all the time is somewhat of a burden. In all respects.”

Fang Shaoyi was always gentle and quiet. After hearing this, he asked, “So?”

“I feel a bit lost.” Yuan Ye stared into his eyes and very seriously told him, “Like I can’t find myself anymore. I can’t clearly see who I am anymore. I need to find myself, and also find the path between us.”

Saying what he thought was a very alluring quality of Yuan Ye’s personality. Fang Shaoyi never needed to guess what he was thinking. He would always honestly share what he was considering and wondering. As long as Yuan Ye spoke, Fang Shaoyi would very wholeheartedly listen, then do his best to respect the other’s opinion.

Recently, there had been a tension between the two of them. Even though they had cleared up the previous incident and it had passed, they truly needed some time to submerge themselves and carefully consider things. Both of them.

Sometimes, the occurrences of certain events would leave traces, even if the event was very trivial. However, the pieces of sand left behind would incessantly grate against one’s skin. As time passed, this discomfort would become more and more unbearable. The time when they could tear open the wound, completely remove the sand, and clean up all the surrounding areas, would be the time when they could finally truly calm down and continue comfortably living.

At the time, Fang Shaoyi’s voice had been low and deep as he asked, “Are we separating?”

Yuan Ye immediately answered, “No, no. Definitely not.”

Fang Shaoyi had been sitting across from him. Yuan Ye reached a hand out to quickly hug Fang Shaoyi’s neck. He smiled and said, “What are you saying? How could that be possible?”