Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M

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evening and playing with you, Travis and Emma]

I pause reading the letter. My mind confused. None of what he said was making any sense.

If he used to like being around me when Winnie was still alive, then what the hell

changed?

Looking down at the piece of paper, I continue reading.

[I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I turned out to be such a monster to you,

but when Winnie died and she asked us to take you in, something just shifted inside me.

Inside all of us.

I am not using this as an excuse because nothing can make how we treated you right. It

was

downright disgusting and uncalled for.

I know that this is my punishment. Karma is really a vengeful bitch. I am getting exactly

what I deserve for how I treated you my darling Ava.

Before I leave this world, I want to tell you how sorry I am. For everything I did to you. It

will never

be enough to make up for what I did and said, but it’s all I have. I’m so sorry for being a

fool. Sorry

for being the worst father. Sorry for being the monster in your fairytale,

I won’t ask for forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. What I deserve is to burn in the pits

of hell.

All I ask is that you be there for your mother. She’ll need you. She has a good heart and

once she

realizes her mistakes towards you, she’ll break.

Always remember that I love you. I may not have showed it to you, but I do.

Goodbye my darling sweet girl.]

I fold the paper and shove it back in my bag feeling angry for some reason.

I don’t know why the letter affected me so much when mother’s tears didn’t. May be it’s

because

this was the last thing he wrote before died. Correct that, he wrote it while dying.

I stand up abruptly and leave for my bedroom. I push every thought away.

I don’t want to think about them. I don’t want to think about the pain they caused me. I

just don’t

want to think about anything. I block them because I know that if I allow them to run

rampant in

my head, then I would drown.

I can’t afford to be weak right now. It would cost me more than I’m willing to bargain. I had

already

reached my breaking point. I wasn’t going to risk going back to the darkness that almost

claimed

my soul.

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I get on my bed and lie down Refusing to let the tears flow. I’ve cried enough for these

people. I

wasn’t going to waste my tears on people that didn’t deserve anything from me.

Soon tiredness catches up to me. The fatigue, both emotional and physical weighs me

down and I fall into a dreamless sleep.

When I wake up it’s around eleven o’clock.

Shit! I scramble from my bed, falling down in the process. I was supposed to pick Noah up

at nine since Rowan had to fly out for a business meeting.

I scramble to take a shower and get ready. Doing it in less than ten minutes. Once I’m

done I rush down the stairs, praying I don’t trip and break my neck in the process.

I stop in my tracks when I notice Rowan and Noah in the kitchen having breakfast. He was

wearing a suit and was making pancakes. It was so weird given I’ve never seen him cook.

“Mommy, you’re finally awake” Noah screams with his mouth full. “I wanted to wake you

up, but dad told me to let you sleep”

“What’s going on here?” I ask in confusion.

“I’m making breakfast. Take a seat and eat something. I want to finish these before I

leave” Rowan replies while flipping the pancakes.

“Aren’t you already late for your meeting? You should have woken me up”

“Fuck the meeting. You looked like you needed the sleep, so I let you sleep” he says as if it

were that simple.

He was so out of character that I don’t know what to think. This was a side of him I didn’t

know existed. I don’t want to see it because I don’t want to think of him as the good guy. I

don’t want to see this caring and kind version of him because I wasn’t ready to forgive him

for the pain he

caused me.

I place some eggs and toast on my plate almost robotically. Still not sure what the hell had

gotten into him.

“When is your next doctor’s appointment?” he asks me out of the blue.

I look up and stare into his eyes. Trying to figure out what kind of game he was trying to

play.

“Next Friday. Why?” I narrow my eyes into slits, completely suspicious

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“Nothing. I just wanted to know”

He turns off the stove once the last pancake is cooked and turns.

“I have to leave.” He checks his watch before looking up again.

Moving around the kitchen island, he comes and bends down giving Noah a kiss to the

cheek. He

turns to me and I hold my breath as I see the indecision in his eyes.

I still and pray that he walks away. I didn’t want him near me. His presence was already

suffocating me, making it hard for me to breathe.

“I’ll see you two when I get back” he says and I breathe a sigh of relief when he backs

away.

“Okay dad. Remember to bring me a present” Noah tells him and I just nod my head

instead of

answering.

He gives me one last look. Like he’s debating on telling me something, but thinks

otherwise. His

face shuts down. The cold and indifferent Rowan I was used to, now back in place. Turning

around

without another word, he stomps out and leaves.

I continue staring at the place he was. Still trying to figure out what was wrong with him.

Why

the hell was he behaving as if he actually cared about me?

Laughing humorlessly, I push a piece of pancake in my mouth. Rowan didn’t care about

me. He

was just playing along for the sake of Noah. He was keeping up pretense. Just like we

always do.

That was it. There was nothing more to it, right?

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