I Don’t Want to Be Loved (Web Novel)

Chapter 54: Suicidal Impulse

“Rhia…!”

Rihannan could hear Helena’s sorrowful cries. She paused for a moment, bit her lips and moved on. If she turned around now, she’d lose all the composure she mustered.

When she first became Helena’s companion, everyone looked at her in pity and said that she’d go through many troubles befriending the princess. But she thought otherwise. After arriving in Chrichton, sickness and affliction hit her and she suffered from mild depression, something her uncle and Dimitri were unaware of. She hid it well, her sadness. They believed Rihannan had adapted to the Chrichton life thoroughly.

But when she was alone deep in the night, when no one was there, Rihannan often suffered from suicidal impulses, from suicidal thoughts… suffered from the unseen, the unheard, the silent killer… she suffered from pain that became too much to bear, too much to cope, too difficult to deal with. She could not escape it no matter how hard she tried. It followed her around like a black shadow that was slowly eating her on the inside to the point that she did not want to live another day, another night.

There was nothing to satisfy the loss and betrayal she felt from her family – the family with a twisted disease that she spent all her life trying to please. She had tried to become the person they wanted, even gave up her identity while begging for acceptance. But all was futile. In the end, it wasn’t enough.

Rihannan bathed in Chrichton’s brightness but she herself was burning. And perhaps her conditions would have worsened had Helena not come along. Her appearance marked a turning point for Rihannan.

“What about you? You’re Rihannan? Hmm. That’s a pretty name. Why do you look sad?”

The arrogant and stubborn little princess gave her assessment of Rihannan and ordered her to brush her platinum golden hair. If Rihannan refused her orders, she’d start her wailing complaints but it never came to that point. Rihannan had godly skills that made her fall asleep.

The immature princess saw right through her but never bothered to pry. And slowly, her lonely and empty heart gradually felt the love from her newfound friend.

‘Helena, I don’t hate you. In fact, I cherish you.’

But she had circumstances she could not escape from. She realized that her fate was tied to Igor and that she feared what would become of Dimitri should she change his future…

‘Goodbye, Helena… I am sorry…’

All the ships that had threatened Chrichton for the sole purpose that they promise to make do with the state national marriage slowly left the harbor and began their journey to Arundell once Rihamnan boarded their ship.

The Crichton natives sighed in relief as they watched the ships drifting silently over the blue sea.

***

“You can use this room.”

Inside a ship, Basil guided Rihannan to her cabin. Rihannan looked around. There were clear signs the cabin had been cared for and properly decorated. Within a day, the room was filled with feminine items. Even the window had a sky-high lace curtain. Rihannan doubted what she saw for a moment. A laced curtain on a warship… even the ship, Ataraxia, she rode to Chrichton wasn’t as cute as this.

“…..You’ve put a lot of thought into this room.”

Basil grinned cheekily at her words. “Right? You like it, don’t you? If you find it to your liking, please tell the king. Please?”

He asked desperately that Rihannan ended up nodding. With that, Basil straightened his back and smiled proudly in victory. Then he looked around.

“But where are your servants? I haven’t seen them yet.”

“There is none.”

“Pardon?” Basil opened his mouth in surprise.

“I did not bring a servant with me,” Rihannan repeated.

“But this is a warship… there is no woman to serve you… ahhhh…!” Basil tore his hair like wildfire.

‘Should we turn the ship around? Oh my god… oh my god… he’s going to kill me!’

Rihannan looked at Basil’s gibberish tirade. She thought that her not having a servant might prove difficult for him.

“It’s alright. I know how to take care of my body. I can do things myself. Don’t worry about it,” Rihannan consoled him.

“But…”

“I’ll call you when I need anything. Thank you.”

“Alright,” Basil sighed. “If you need anything else, please do call me. Just pull on this string and I’ll immediately come to your call. Then… Miss Rihannan, please rest in peace.”

Basil bowed and closed the door. He turned around with a worried look on his face. He did not bother to hire a maid for he thought the Countess would bring a servant herself. If only he knew… he’d scour every corner of Chrichton’s to hire a maid because he’s sure that black-haired beast would come crawling in.

“Why didn’t I think of hiring a servant?”

But who would have known that a high-ranking noblewoman would not take a maid with her.

“Basil.”

A deep voice immediately froze Basil’s heart in fear.

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• Ch. 76: Igor’s Debt [Update]
• Ch. 75: Can’t Fool Me Twice 
• Ch. 74: Queen’s Palace 
• Ch. 73: Wedding Ceremony 
• Ch. 72: Women Love Flowers  
• Ch. 71: Torturous Beauty 
• Ch. 70: Public Disgrace 
• Ch. 69: Marriage Without Love 
• Ch. 68: A Wife Who Does Not Love 
• Ch. 67: Pleasure of Desire 
• Ch. 66: He Liked Her, After All 
• Ch. 65: Your Wish 

• Ch. 64: Are You Crying? [Update]
• Ch. 63: Igor Cesca (Perspective) 
• Ch. 62: You’re My Wife, I’ll Protect You 
• Ch. 61: Rihannan, My Love 

• Ch. 60: Mother’s Grave [Update]
• Ch. 59: She’s to Marry Me  
• Ch. 58: Rihannan and Arundell 

• Ch. 57: Not Your Real Wife [Update]
• Ch. 56: Your Majesty, Please Get Out 
• Ch. 55: She‘s Already Dead