I Should Have Just Died

Knock-knock-

Seidrick knocked on Alyssa’s door.

After countless worries, Alyssa’s door felt like it was beyond an iron wall that he couldn’t cross. Seidrick took a deep breath.

Alyssa has always seemed like the most challenging task for Seidrick.

And it was still the same today.

Seidrick patted his face, stroking his haggard face from taking medicine these days. He wanted to look a little better, especially since he had never shown Alyssa better.

What kind of image does Seidrick mean to Alyssa?

Sid the gardener, who she would rather be her friend?

Is that all?

Seidrick was impatient.

He will be leaving soon. He was worried about how Alyssa would change during the months he was away and whether his existence would be completely removed from her mind. If he loses Alyssa, whom he has already cherished deeply in his heart, even if he recovers from the illness, he will feel empty as if he is dead.

If that’s the punishment Alyssa gives to Seidrick, he knows he should just take it sweetly, but…

‘Just once.’

Seidrick wishes he had a chance to hold Alyssa just once. To prepare for that opportunity, he knocked on Alyssa’s door like this.

Based on the many conversations he had as Gardener Sid.

I earnestly use the emotional exchange between the two as an excuse.

“Alyssa.”

Seidrick called out Alyssa’s name.

The door opened. Alyssa, dressed in a comfortable outfit and shawl, held a quill in her hand. He must have been writing a manuscript.

“Seidrick?”

“…can I go inside?”

“Ah.”

Alyssa scrambled out of the way. Alyssa was so startled by Seidrick’s sudden visit that she didn’t even know what to say because she had never thought of him coming.

“……It’s the first time.”

Seidrick muttered softly.

The room smelled of Alyssa. On that wet day in the rain, the day they shared their breath, the scent he smelled. Seidrick’s cheeks turned slightly red.

Alyssa looked at his complexion as he leaned his back against the door.

‘What brought you here?’

Her heart was beating loudly. Alyssa was fiddling with her hair.

It was then that he saw the quill in her hand. Even the smudged ink on her hands. Alyssa hid her hand behind her back. No matter how she felt about Seidrick, it was undeniable that there was love mixed in between them. So she only wants to show him a pretty and good figure.

She didn’t want to look shabby anymore.

Seidrick looked around the room slowly for a while.

“…even this place resembles you, Alyssa.”

Seidrick laughed slightly. Maybe his smile doesn’t look as bright as before because he’s in a different place. In the garden, Seidrick’s smile has always been a source of strength for Alyssa. He had a dazzling smile that seemed to have been made by processing sunlight. But now…

Alyssa bit her lip in frustration.

It seemed to her that Seidrick was being gnawed by the sickness day by day. He was gradually drying up, and Seidrick’s digging cheeks and eyes caught Alyssa.

The doctor told him that the medicine he was using was strong, so it couldn’t help but affect his body. However, every time she sees his pants and shirts that are baggy like that, one side of her chest feels cold. Alyssa rolled her eyes down. If she doesn’t look at him, it’s probably easier for her, but it remains like an afterimage in her and shakes her up.

“…, what do you mean it looks like me?”

“Your scent is everywhere.”

Seidrick muttered languidly and asked.

“…can I sit down?”

His finger was pointing at the table where she had been writing the manuscripts. Alyssa paused and then nodded her head. She didn’t care anyway that it was now revealed that she was the author of Clemore.

Seidrick sat down and tapped Alyssa’s seat.

“Why don’t you come and sit down, Alyssa. I think your legs will hurt.”

“Ah.”

Alyssa, who was standing blankly, shook her head and sat down. The clear eyes facing Seidrick are beautiful. It was glistening with light. Seidrick looked into those eyes as if possessed.

I wish it would stop like this forever.

“Do what you were doing.”

“Aren’t you here because you have something to say?”

Seidrick shook his head quietly.

“……I……”

Seidrick took a deep breath.

“I like you very much.”

It was the truth that was pouring out gently. Alyssa was the only thing in Seidrick’s blue eyes. Even the red face.

“So… I’m sorry.”

Seidrick took a long breath and continued.

“I just came to see you. Can you just let me see you like this?”

Alyssa couldn’t decide what to do with the confession she suddenly heard. Seidrick had a knack for making complicated things easy. The confession was something she’s never heard of before, but he suddenly shows his sincerity at a time like this.

He made her heart ache.

Alyssa’s lips don’t want to open as if they had heavy weights on them.

That meant that Seidrick was accustomed to showing emotions, and Alyssa was not. She’s been living under someone’s coercion all her life, so it was understandable. Alyssa smiled bitterly at the sudden difference.

Alyssa nodded her head quietly.

“Actually, I’m writing a novel.”

Seidrick nodded quietly.

“So I was writing a manuscript. I have to send it to my tomorrow, but I can’t finish it.”

“What kind of story were you writing?”

“Well……”

Alyssa fixed her quill.

“The female lead is Clemore. Now I was writing the scene where Clemore is going to the last social party.”

“Why the last?”

“Clemore is going to leave. She wants to organize her life where she had lived. She wants to go where no one recognizes her.”

“…that is a bad idea.”

Seidrick muttered unknowingly. Ophelia had said Alyssa was substituting herself for Clemore. And Seidrick already felt it. Clémore was the character representing Alyssa.

Clemore’s departure matched Alyssa’s desire to do so.

So he spits it out without realizing it.

“Yes?”

“Ah……”

Seidrick shook his head.

“I thought that those left behind would be very sad.”

“…maybe at first. Because they had time with Clemore. But, they’ll find out later. that it was right, and that ends up being better for each other.”

“They may never forget Clemoreuntil the very end. To them, Clemore must be a very precious person.”

The gloomy dark eyes stared intently at Alyssa. Seidrick was telling his own story on behalf of the characters in the novels. After Alyssa leaves, he will surely be despondent. He will never forget her.

He will be wasting time wandering around looking for Alyssa.

It seemed as if his own future had been drawn out.

Alyssa shook her head.

“Time is medicine, Seidrick. Any time.”

“Why don’t Clemore stay and get through that time? I’m sure Clemore certainly doesn’t feel so light about leaving either.”

The Alyssa that Seidrick knew was like that.

“It may be. I’m sure Clemore will regret it. She cares deeply for the people she has made new friends with. However……”

Alyssa lowered her head with a hazy look on her face. Her eyes were locked as darkly as Seidrick as she looked at the near-finished manuscript. Come to think of it, Seidrick was talking as if he knew the contents of the novel. No, he probably knows.

Among the people of Avery Kingdom, there was no intellectual who did not know the story of the Clemore novel.

Isn’t it a world everyone has dreamed of at least once?

Alyssa was fully aware of the repercussions she had caused herself.

Seidrick must have heard of it in some way.

“…but, Seidrick, for Clemore, it was the first time she made a decision for herself. She decided on her own will. She wants to leave.”

At those words, it seems that Seidrick smiled painfully. It was the same as seeing the distorted expression between the hands that brushed his brow and brushed his face. However, Seidrick quickly captured his feelings. There was not even the slightest stir in his smiling face with his head raised.

“……I see. Others will support Clemore’s choice. After they got to know her heart.”

“I hope so.”

Alyssa nodded her head slowly. Her hand slightly trembled as she pulled her quill and dipped it in the inkwell.

Is it because she’s in front of Seidrick?

She clasped her hand with the other hand.

She felt like she was about to cry.

To say that the left behind will miss Clemore a lot seemed to be a confession of Seidrick’s feelings for Alyssa. He seemed to be saying that the people of Cambridge would have a hard time missing her.

‘Really……?’

It seems that the people who value Clemore are the Cambridge people who value Alyssa.

Seidrick.

It felt like he was holding on to Alyssa.

Desperately.

Seidrick’s emotions and expressions, which had vanished between his palms, remained in Alyssa’s mind. Alyssa missed her quill.

And then she asked

“…what do you think you’ll be?”

The purple eyes fluttered fiercely.

“If I said I was leaving, what would Seidrick… be like?”

Alyssa asked again. With Seidrick in her eyes.