I'm Really a Superstar

Chapter 892: Skit: “Playing It Up”! (Middle)

Translator: Legge Editor: Legge

Weibo erupted!

“Quick, tune into Beijing Television’s Spring Festival Gala!”

“It’s too face smacking! This is too fucking face smacking!”

“He’ll really say anything, hot damn!”

“I really have to take my hat off to him!”

“Teacher Shanshan, you’re my goddess! My dream lover! Why did you get influenced by Face-smacking Zhang and go down a different path? You won’t end up becoming ‘Face-smacking Shan’ in the future, right?”

“Face-smacking Shan? Pfft!”

“Hahahahaha!”

“Teacher Shanshan has been led astray as well!”

“Bollocks, this is all because of Zhang Ye’s script!”

“If those lines were not written by Zhang Ye, I’ll do a live broadcast of me eating shit!”

“Standing on stage and using a skit to scold others openly, so much for the highest realm of scolding, don’t you think? The title of Face-smacking Zhang is really not for nothing!”

“Yeah, scolding others using the platform of the Spring Festival Gala, I really can’t bear to watch any longer!”

“In the past, I thought that Teacher Zhang’s level of scolding had already surpassed everything. Never could I have imagined that he could still one-up that!”

“Han Li is an idiot!”

“That idiot really had it coming, provoking him for no reason!”

…

At home.

His third sister was already tearing up from laughing. As she laughed, she slapped the sofa heavily with her hands, shouting in between every slap, “How awesome! This feels so good! Scold them! Continue scolding them!”

His third aunt didn’t know how to react. “This Little Ye!”

His second aunt wiped her sweat away and said, “This is a live broadcast on national TV. Will Little Ye really be alright saying that?”

His mother said, “Rather than a live broadcast on national TV, even if it were a global live broadcast, as long as someone provokes him, that rascal will stand on stage and scold them back. It’s not like you all don’t know his temper, right?”

His second sister shouted, “Our brother is almighty!”

…

Onstage.

The skit was getting better.

Zhang Ye anxiously walked over and explained himself, “Aiyo, Manager Ma, that’s not what I mean. I was just thinking, why would I become the director’s fair-haired boy if I played table tennis with him? It’s not possible, is it?”

Dong Shanshan raised an eyebrow and glanced at him. “Not possible? Hehe, Hao Jian, I’ll treat you as one of my people! Let me show you how I, Mǎ Jīngjīng (similar to mǎ pì jīng), rose to where I am today!” Saying that, she snapped open the laptop on her desk.

Zhang Ye looked at the laptop screen and said in astonishment, “Hobbies and interests chart of the leadership?”

Dong Shanshan smiled slightly and said as she pointed her index finger up, “I’ll tell you this, I can clearly list out every leader’s hobbies, horoscope, blood type, and the eight characters of their birth times!” She pointed to the screen. “This one, likes fishing, so I dive into the water and hook fish after fish onto the end of his line!”[1.]

The audience:

“Hook fish after fish?”

“Pfft!”

“Hahahaha!”

Dong Shanshan pointed to the next one. “This one, likes to play mahjong, so I become the gunner (person discarding the winning tile) and throw the winning tile to him! This one, likes trinkets, so I took my great-grandfather’s śarīra and strung it up to give him. This one likes me—” Startling herself, Dong Shanshan immediately closed the laptop. “So as I was saying, Hao Jian…”[2.]

“Hahahaha!”

“Likes you?”

“Aiyo hahahaha!”

The audience was laughing very hard!

Zhang Ye was also amused. “Hey, wait a minute. Why’d you close the laptop when you just got to the important part? I most want to hear about that one!”

“Hahahaha!”

“Good one!”

“Good one!”

All of the audience were cheering with approval!

Dong Shanshan beamed with pride and said, “All in all, do you now understand how I got to where I am?”

Zhang Ye nodded vigorously and said, “I understand. That’s why I think you’re amazing, Manager. Your bootlicking skill flows through your blood!”

The audience laughed, “Hahaha!”

“Who’re you referring to? Just who’re you referring to?” said Dong Shanshan, who had just sat down, in an unpleasant tone. She pointed at him and grumbled, “That mouth of yours!”

Zhang Ye hurriedly said, “Ai, pey pey pey, why am I so bad at making conversation? I always offend people the moment I speak. I also wonder, during every meeting why does the leader only nod or smile at you. Could it be…because you’re pretty?”

Dong Shanshan sat there, smiling smugly. “It’s not just that.” She then looked at him. “Let me tell you. Meetings are all about skill. When the leader speaks, as soon as he expresses his opinion, I immediately go ‘Hmm?'” She gave an exaggerated expression of doubt. “Then the leader thinks ‘What’s with that? Are you doubting me or something?’ When he finishes his statement, without even knowing what he just said, I immediately follow with an ‘Ohhhh!'” Then, her expression changed to one of realization as her mouth slowly opened wide!

The audience guffawed, “Hahahahaha!”

Dong Shanshan smiled and said, “I want the leader to feel that I have been baptized by his words, like I have reached enlightenment!”

After she finished talking, Zhang Ye copied Dong Shanshan and poorly made an expression of epiphany like hers. “Ohhh!”

“Pfft!”

“How ugly!”

“Pfft!”

The audience cramped up with laughter again!

In the audience, a lot of the Beijing Television staff were also tickled pink. They were watching Zhang Ye’s skit as though they were in the audience too, as this was their first time watching it. There wasn’t enough time earlier to even do a full rehearsal of this act!

Zhang Ye admired, “A single conversation with the wise overturns one’s philosophy!”

Dong Shanshan said, “That’s why, Hao Jian, not only do you have to play table tennis with the director, you have to do it until the director only wants to play with you. Make it so that when he thinks of table tennis, he’ll think of you, and when he thinks of you, he’ll be itching for a game!”

Zhang Ye said straight away, “I understand. You want me to establish an image of being an easily beaten opponent. So if I get beaten easily, I’ll be able to rise into management?”

Dong Shanshan laughed and said, “Far more than that.” She pointed at the office desk and said, “Look at this, this office of mine could even become yours. Right, Manager Hao?”

Zhang Ye hastily waved his hands in denial, “Aiyo, don’t say that, don’t say that, don’t say that!”

Dong Shanshan laughed again as she said, “Manager Hao!”

Zhang Ye trembled. “Aiyo, don’t say that, don’t say that, don’t say that!”

Dong Shanshan dragged him to the leather chair. “Manager Hao, Manager Hao, please have a seat, sit here!”

Zhang Ye anxiously said, “No, no, no!”

“Have a taste of what’s to come!” Dong Shanshan pressed him down into the chair.

“No, no, no!”

“Sit down.”

“Oh!”

“Take your time.”

“Ohhhh!”

Zhang Ye gave an expression of comfort.

The audience were tickled. “Pfft!”

Zhang Ye grabbed the chair’s arms, not knowing what to do anymore. “Aiyoo, let’s see what’s it like to be a leader. Aiya, this chair is comfortable. No wonder you’re always sleeping in the office. If I ever get to this position, wouldn’t I be resting in peace then?”

Dong Shanshan laughed and said, “You can be in peace whenever and however you like it. Manager Hao?”

Ring ring ring. A phone call came in.

Dong Shanshan picked up the phone, “Hello, ah, it’s Director Yao? Oh, you’re coming over now? Sure, sure. Aiyo, that’s great. Perfect, I have some good news here waiting for you!” She hung up and giggled. “The director will be here very soon!”

Zhang Ye stood up. “That’s great! Eh, when he comes, where should we play?”

Dong Shanshan snapped her fingers. “I’ve prepared far in advance for you two!” She brought him to the side of the room where a simple table tennis table stood. “When the previous director was arrested, I threw the mahjong table away, ha. From now on, the two of you can play here and I can be the judge.” She set up the net with the specially made prop. “Haha, Hao Jian. This is no ordinary table tennis table for you. This is your stairway to success!” She described it in a funny sounding northeastern accent.

The audience laughed, “Hahahahaha!”

Zhang Ye grabbed her hand. “You’re my ally, Manager Ma, no, Chief Ma!”

Dong Shanshan laughed slyly and said, “Aiyo, I’m not worthy! You flatter me! Manager Hao?”

Zhang Ye laughed humbly. “It’s just a matter of time, Chief Ma!”

Dong Shanshan laughed even more humbly than him. “Aiyo, don’t be like that, don’t be like that. Manager Hao?”

The two of them burst out into maniacal laugh and shook each other’s hands, saying, “It’s a win-win! A win-win!”

The audience was getting a kick out of watching the skit!

“Their acting is really good!”

“These two are really good at what they’re doing! Hahahaha!”

At this moment, a piece of music played.

Dong Shanshan busily retouched her makeup.

Meanwhile, Zhang Ye picked up a table tennis paddle and started practicing!

One serve.

Two serves.

Three serves.

Suddenly, a loud voice could be heard coming from outside the office declaring, “If I find anyone playing table tennis again in the future, I will punish them!”

Dong Shanshan was dumbfounded.

Zhang Ye was also stunned.

The atmosphere onstage suddenly changed!

The audience was entertained.

“Hahahaha!”

“It’s worth seeing what’s gonna happen from here now!”

“This is what you get!”

“The director has arrived!”

At this moment, Yao Jiancai walked in, dressed in a suit, his hair moussed up. He carried a demeanor of a boss.

The audience immediately gave their warm applause to welcome him!

“Aiyo, Director Yao, what’s the matter?” Dong Shanshan anxiously went to greet him and desperately gestured at Hao Jian outside of the line of sight of the director!

Zhang Ye clutched the table tennis paddle, not daring to make any large movements as he carefully hid it.

At the moment, Yao Jiancai’s expression was very different from when he performed the crosstalk routine. His speech was very steady and very thick with emotion. “I don’t know, but someone learned that I like playing table tennis, so now some of the staff are practicing in the office during work hours! What kind of behavior is this?”

Zhang Ye moved bit by bit, cautiously trying to clear the table tennis table by removing the net from it.

The audience laughed until they were out of breath!

Dong Shanshan was still trying to cover up for Zhang Ye. “Aiyo, Director Yao, there’s nothing wrong with playing some table tennis.”

Yao Jiancai said sternly, “Playing table tennis itself is not a problem, but if it’s used as a tool to please others, then that is an unhealthy trend!” He turned around and just managed to see Zhang Ye holding the table tennis net.

The audience burst out laughing, “Hahahaha!”

But Zhang Ye’s next action made the entire audience laugh even harder!

Zhang Ye was in a state of shock as he reached out and wrapped the net around his neck. Then he took one end of it and swung it behind him, using it as a scarf!

“Hahahaha!”

“Aiyo!”

“Well done!”

“Well done!”

The audience gave thunderous applause!

Yao Jiancai strolled over with his hands behind his back and gave him a sidelong glance. “A scarf?” He tugged at the item hanging around Zhang Ye’s neck and said, “And one with weights?”

Zhang Ye quibbled, “The wind is strong. My mother was worried that it would get blown away.”

The audience roared, “Hahahahaha!”

Dong Shanshan quickly came over to explain the situation. “Ai, this is an employee who has just joined our organization. Come, Director, let’s take a seat before talking.” She flirtatiously grasped his arm and led him over to the sofa.

Yao Jiancai sat down and looked at Dong Shanshan. He said, “Manager Ma, you’re a veteran here. Now that there are these problems in our workplace, don’t you think you should lead by example and do something?”

Dong Shanshan immediately sat up straight and said righteously, “I have lectured them! I told them even if they kept practicing, they couldn’t possibly rival you, Director Yao. You were the champion every single year at your former office!”

“Hey, don’t flatter me!” Yao Jiancai paused mid-sentence before saying, “—One year I only took second place.”

These words made yet another group of people burst in laughter!

“Pfft!”

“Hahahaha!”

“Old Yao, that’s really enough!”

Having said that, Yao Jiancai sighed. “Actually, I’m not all that good at table tennis. How do you think I managed to become champion year after year?” He waved his hand from side to side and answered, “Because they let me!”

Dong Shanshan flattered, “It can’t be. Didn’t you just say you took second place one year?”

Yao Jiancai glanced at her and nodded. “I did.” Taking a slight pause, he then added, “I was the deputy director that year!”

The audience laughed until they were in stitches!

“Hahahahaha!”

“Aiyo, I really can’t take this anymore!”

“Damn, this is so fucking funny!”

“The jokes all come out of nowhere! Hahaha!”

“I’m getting such a kick from watching this!”

…

Offstage.

At a workspace not far from stage.

Chang Xiaoliang had not laughed at all since the start of the performance. A lot of the others from the production team were also the same. But this was not because the skit was not funny, but rather because they had forgotten how to laugh. They could only stare in amazement at the onstage performing trio of Zhang Ye, Dong Shanshan, and Yao Jiancai!

They were utterly surprised by it all!

Chang Xiaoliang stayed silent for a very long time. He looked next to him and asked, “Are you guys really sure that the three of them have never acted in a skit before?”

The assistant director gave a wry smile and said, “They truly haven’t done one before!”

Chang Xiaoliang asked again, “Are you sure that this skit was prepared by Teacher Little Zhang just an hour before the skit’s scheduled appearance?”

A female assistant director said, “Yeah, it was done within that hour’s time. I asked them too, but Teacher Zhang did not even prepare a script for the skit and came up with the entire concept on the fly!”

“Then I only wish to know one thing right now!” Chang Xiaoliang spoke with more and more agitation and excitement. “Within an hour, the script was written and the lines were memorized; furthermore the three of them are total amateurs when it comes to skits. There wasn’t even enough time to get a proper rehearsal in for it, so why…have they created such an exciting and good skit?!”

The production team couldn’t respond.

No one could answer those questions!

Because they did not know why!

To them, this was simply incomprehensible!

Asking Zhang Ye to turn things around was down to having no other way out. It was purely the last resort they had. And honestly, Chang Xiaoliang and the others were only hoping that Zhang Ye could use up all the time. But they never expected Zhang Ye to create such a classic performance, because everyone knew that this was impossible! Yet when “Playing It Up” was unveiled and acted, they could only react with astonishment! This act…was simply too professional! How was this supposed to be something that was made up at the last minute? How could these three people be amateurs who had never acted in a skit before? The characters, performance, lines, jokes, rhythm, approach, depth, everything was on point!

This was a fucking skit worthy of being shown on Central TV!

This is Zhang Ye?

This is Zhang Ye when he gets serious?

In the whole of the performing arts scene and entertainment industry, who else could do something like that!

TL notes:

[1. Eight Characters of Birth Time – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Pillars_of_Destiny]

[2. Śarīra – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C5%9Aar%C4%ABra]

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