Imperfect Desires

86 Attraction & Asexuality

By four twenty o'clock in the afternoon, Xiu was tired as she let out a groan and arched her aching back. She had spent the whole day sitting in the same position going through piles of documents. Oddly, Dylan hadn't called for her in his office after lunch hours. And staring at the computer screen, her eyes were too dry and her hands were stiff.

Bending over, she reached for the inside of her purse and retrieved a bottled lotion. Rubbing her hands together to blend the lotion, she was lost in thoughts again.

It was Friday again and she hadn't heard from Darren since the day she sent him that stupid text. He hadn't been home as well and Xiu didn't know whether she was feeling at ease to know that he wasn't around or bothered. All she knew was that something in her wasn't feeling right. Would it even make sense if she said that she got too comfortable around him too soon?

Even in the morning, seeing Xiu's dispirited face, Nora had questioned her, "What's bothering you?"

"Nothing..." Xiu had replied absentmindedly but suddenly changed her words. "Actually, Nora, do you know why our neighbor is missing?"

Nora had smiled in a knowing manner at her and asked, "Why don't you just text him to ask?"

Xiu had indeed picked up her phone to type the text but gave up. She didn't know why she was curious. He was just a neighbor and yes, she could call him a friend but they weren't that close.

"No, I shouldn't..." Xiu placed her phone back on the table and drank her soy milk.

"Baby Xiu'er, what do you think about Darren?" asked Nora observing Xiu's expressions.

"What do you mean?" Nora couldn't tell whether Xiu was really that ignorant about her question or was she pretending.

"I mean, Darren is a really decent guy... Don't you feel any attraction towards him?"

Xiu coughed as she heard Nora's words. She drank a mouthful of water and calmed herself. "Nora, haven't you heard? The attraction is temporary love. Yes, good looks do catch one's eyes. And with Darren's looks, I was almost starstruck. But that's all."

Nora drank her smoothie with her eyes on Xiu's face which had a ruddy touch to it now. "Baby Xiu," Xiu looked at Nora as she continued, "The attraction is temporary love but love is the permanent attraction. Good looks catch one's eyes but good personalities capture your heart. I believe Darren has both good looks and a great personality if one is willing to look over his sharp tongue."

Xiu couldn't help but chuckle at her last sentence. His sharp tongue? That surely needed some getting used to. But Xiu couldn't deny the other traits as well.

"Aren't you attractive to him then?" Xiu questioned Nora in response instead of answering.

Nora stayed quiet for a long moment and with each ticking second, Xiu's heart felt apprehensive. For some reason, she didn't want Nora to be attracted to him. The idea made her feel sad and frustrated along with the suffocation she felt in her chest.

Nora flicked her forehead making her scowl and said, "Baby Xiu'er, Darren is the kind of guy one would take home to meet with parents. And I'm Nora Cartwright, I have never dated anyone decent in my life. In a way, he's way out of my league."

"Nora, you're the perfect combination of beauty and brain. You have social skills and a sassy personality. In a way, you're the kind of person who attracts people towards herself. If an amazing person like you finds him out of her league, then how can an imperfect person like myself can have a crush on him?" Xiu was feeling dejected as she said that but she didn't want to lie to herself. She really felt that Darren was too good for herself.

Nora poked her temple and went on, "Sheesh! You dumb girl! Have some confidence in your own self. Physical attraction is common, there is nothing wrong with having it. In fact, it actually gives me the comfort that you're not asexual."

"You thought I'm asexual?" Xiu looked at her with a horrified look.

"Yes. You're at the peak years of your life and you're not willing to date. Forget dating, at this point, I want to hire a damn escort to accompany you." Xiu crossed her arms over her chest in a defensive manner. "Relax, I won't do it though. I just want you to give this attraction towards Darren a chance."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Xiu asked cautiously.

"Hmmm... Try kissing him. If it feels right then let yourself go. And if it doesn't feel right, then you'll have a final answer to walk away."

"Kiss him to figure out my own feelings?" Xiu had a complicated look.

"Get over your 90's mentality. It's just kissing, it won't taint your damn pure soul." Xiu pursed her lips tightly at being taunted this way. historical

Coming back to the present...

Xiu was really contemplating her words in her mind. She would be lying to herself if she denied the attraction she had for Darren but she was scared of the strange connection that she felt with him. As if a magnetic pull was bringing them close. She was scared that if she kissed him and it felt real and right, she would never be able to walk away.

One might say that as she chose suicide, she must have locked her heart for love. Actually, she did. That's why she didn't feel the need to date anyone in these years. But with Darren's entrance in her life, she wasn't sure of her own self anymore.

She knew this was a physical attraction at this point but as Nora had told her, physical attraction was enough for some relationships. At least, it was a chance for her to realize that it was time to move on. It was her chance to move on from the past. To break all that linked her to Chen Xiu.

"Ms. Bai!"

As she heard someone calling her, Xiu was startled awake and glanced towards her cabin door to find her colleague.

"Is there something you need, Mr. Yao?" Xiu inquired looking at his face.

"Please, you can call me Yao Tianyu," he insisted and added, "And we're going out for dinner tonight. So, I came to ask if you'd like to join us?"

"Dinner?" Xiu asked arching her brow at him.

"Yes. Since the time new people joined our department, we didn't get a chance to have a proper welcome. So, we thought we should go out for dinner."

Xiu looked at Yao Tianyu's face for a moment longer. He was the only one beside Ms. Li who was consistent in Dylan's secretarial department for three years since the time Dylan became the CEO. She pondered over this invitation and since her own thoughts were running wild, she decided to just agree.

"Okay. Let's have dinner then."

Yao Tianyu smiled at her reply and telling her the time, he left her alone in her office. Xiu looked at her wristwatch and noticed she still had a couple of hours. Stretching her arms, and neck, Xiu shook away all the thoughts out of her mind and focused back on work.Please go to