Martial King's Retired Life

“Wash his hair with manure!”

Boss tugged my sleeve. “Be careful of Tianhu. In your current state…”

Though she didn’t finish her sentence, I knew Boss was concerned I might push Tianhu too far and land myself in bed – or my grave. Nonetheless, I gave her the most persistent stare I could.

Young Shiyi, hiding her grin behind her hand, pulled Boss Shen back, trusting I had the situation under control, for which I gifted her a wink.

Needless to say, His Majesty was against the request. Problem was, Tianhu was the one who dug the hole, and Mount Daluo’s disciples were waiting for Tianhu to be punished. Suffice to say, His Majesty also had his share of frustration in regards to Tianhu’s means of interrogation and assault charge because Tianhu practically undermined the reward and punishment system of the government. He, therefore, had to punish Tianhu somehow so as to prevent a second person marginalising the system.

Tianhu agreed to the deal in His Majesty’s presence. In the pugilistic wor;d, honouring your word was paramount. That being said, had His Majesty spoken up after Tianhu washed my hair, I would’ve had to drop the wager, lest I be perceived as a petty man. The moment Tianhu cracked me, however, I had every reason in the book to persist. After all, who’d blame a man who just had a foot in his grave for lashing out, right?

Judging from Tianhu’s silence, he didn’t expect me to go through with it. Besides being the strongest military force of the imperial court – making it tough for His Majesty to punish mindlessly – all members of The Ultimate Three were more prideful than young masters of affluent families. That was not to mention all their peculiar traits. If they were to jump off a city wall out of anger, so be it. They wouldn’t die, anyway. It would be a problem, howbeit, if their punishment was the catalyst that drove them to the unorthodox factions. Even if their might could be replaced, the resources and information they possessed would be harmful to the imperial court if leveraged against it. Stripping the ranks of a few earls would be a better alternative, let alone going along with some Daluo Earl.

For those reasons, I whispered to His Majesty, “One of The Ultimate Three washing his hair with manure is a massive event. Consequently, we cannot be careless about it. Sir Tianhu attacked your subject because he does not know him. We have plenty of time. As long as he spends more time with your subject, he will come to understand your subject. You know how everyone speaks highly of your subject’s character. Besides, your subject understands Sir Tianhu is angry because he is loyal to you. If we were to press charges against him, would we not be scoundrels? Most importantly, it ruins the value of loyalty to one’s country and sovereign. If the prize for loyalty is punishment, who will be loyal? Accordingly, your subject will not insist on pursuing the matter.”

“I admire your big heart, Earl Ming!” Emperor Yuansheng expressed.

“Having said that, recklessness should not be rewarded. Your subject slightly contributed to the events in Nanjiang, for which your generously rewarded him with an earl rank, a reward, no a blessing from the heavens. If we were to overlook Sir Tianhu assaulting an earl only three days after you personally conferred him, not to mention in your presence, it would create the impression that one can do as they please if you think highly of them.”

“Uhm.” Emperor Yuansheng grabbed his beard. “What do you say we do, in your opinion?”

”Duke Xiao of Qin favoured Shang Yang to set a precedence and establish Shang Yang as a credible figure. How about you grant your subject an imperial decree so that he may, at his own discretion, demand Sir Tianhu wash his hair with manure. It goes without saying that your subject will not thoughtlessly use it. Instead, it will be used as an amulet of sorts to stop Sir Tianhu from leveraging his influence; he would think thrice before he acts. Of course, others will also be happy and respect your wise decision.”

Generous, honourable and, most importantly, bereft of any insistence to take a mile. What was so important about not insisting Tianhu smothers his hair in dung today? It gave His Majesty a way out!

Tianhu’s two surprise attacks to expose my identities that he schemed fell flat on their faces; His Majesty’s doubts about me were erased for the most part. Add my sensible and honourable speech to the equation, and he was almost ready to kiss my forehead. If I was a lady, he’d have asked for my hand in marriage.

His Majesty had someone fetch him writing utilities to write down the “Permission for Earl Ming Feizhen to make Tianhu wash his hair with manure – Tianhu must oblige” decree, then handed it to me solemnly. I bet nobody, since the beginning of history, ever had such an epic imperial decree at their disposal before. If I sold it on the black market, oof, I’d be counting in six digits, at the very least. Of course, there was no way I’d sell it. There are things that are way more important than money, such as authority, such as authority over the person who just hit me!

I smugly looked over to Tianhu. “Sir Tianhu, check this out, a decree for you to wash your hair with manure.”

Tianhu turned his head away. Since I could understand why he didn’t want to speak, I kindly went over to the side he was looking.

“Why are you ducking? Read this, Sir Tianhu. Look how dashing, powerful and flowing this handwriting is.”

Tianhu shut his eyes. “Out with whatever tripe you have to spill.”

“What was it that you called yourself? One of the nation’s most swag martial artists?”

“… Warrior.”

“I apologise.” I gingerly placed the decree inside my shirt. “I heard Grand Commander Baima has mastered Wang and Xie Clan’s Forbidden Lightning Wind, equipping him with full-body lightning armour that denies wind, deflects rain and repels blades. Would you happen to have a Twenty-Four Hours Manure Armour or something? If not, oof.”

Tianhu’s glare sent me a step back, but I immediately pointed and inveighed, “What?! Hit me again, and I’ll ask His Majesty for ten imperial degrees to submerge you in a pool of manure. You’ll be shooting crap off a bow instead of swinging a spear. Try me!”

Emperor Yuansheng was present, and he just made a blunder. Still, it wasn’t enough to deter Tianhu from scoffing, “Hmph, don’t get cocky. I don’t know how you hid your energy as if it’s warped into another dimension… but don’t think for a second that I believe your hogwash. You definitely harbour secrets, and I will dig them up.

“Hahaha, what do I have to be cocky about? It’s not like I’m the one who’ll be washing his hair with manure. Nobody shall forget a man covered in manure from head to toe. In the future, kids will only need to think of you to cure constipation. Imagine singlehandedly curing a condition doctors have failed to find a permanent solution to. You will go down in history. Imagine being able to scare people off without even having to fight as soon as Manurehu rolls up. I am overjoyed for you.”

Tianhu went white in the face.

Man, I can’t believe intimidation tactics are still the best in the pugilistic world.

Smiling, I requested, “Brother Tianhu, can we step aside to talk?”

“No.”

I draped my arm over Tianhu’s shoulder in a friendly manner.

Long Zaitian suddenly asked, “Was I hallucinating? Didn’t he smash the blood out of you?”

Long Zaitian, stop spoiling the mood, man!

Tianhu shrugged my arm off condescendingly.

You can’t even put up with this much?

I pulled Tianhu over. “I am trying to have a friendly conversation with you. I’m not a devil or something. As long as you do not harass me from now, promise to walk the other way when you see me, walk away right after we meet, call me ‘Big Bro’ every time we meet, send presents every year, hold banquets and all those necessary events, supply me with pork shoulders done right, I will go where the wind takes me and leave you be. Otherwise, ha, ha, ha.”

“Dream on. Unless the sun rises from the other side, I’m not taking orders from you.”

“Goujian endured self-imposed hardships for his ambition. May I ask why Tianhu wants to try tasting Nanjiang’s manure? Either way, I promise I will call a crowd for the day. We will write stories and poems of the event, then replay it at every state. Thank you in advance for giving me the tools to become wealthy.”

“Wait! Since when did ‘washing’ become ‘tasting’?! You’re trying to pull a quick one on me!”

“I never intended to make you taste it. Problem is, look how long your hair is. Hence, we have to take our time washing strand by strand. Besides, there’s no stipulation on how we wash it. If a strand happens to stick to your face, even if you can deflect manure dripping into your mouth, I’m not sure who will believe you didn’t taste any.”

Glossary

Duke Xiao of Qin favoured Shang Yang to set a precedence and establish Shang Yang as a credible figure. – Trusted with enacting a political reform, Shang Yang finished up the policies but didn’t announce them, afraid that the political reforms he wanted to implement would backfire and not be trusted. Shang Yang set up a ten-metre tall wooden pole to the south gate of the capital city and promised to pay fifty gold to anyone who could move the wooden pole to a specific spot. Once someone did so, he paid the promised amount.

Goujian – Whilst ruling his kingdom, Goujian never relished riches. Instead, he ate no differently to peasants, forced himself to taste bile before meals and bed, and slept on firewood to make himself tougher. By the time he was ready to take revenge, after years of economic and political reforms, he conquered the Wu capital.