Martial King's Retired Life

I almost projectile vomited a ten-metre-long trail of blood. “Why did dual cultivation come to mind?!”

“I’ve always been interested in dual cultivation. I’ve been flipping through martial arts manuals without discrimination for years and found around ten manuals. Since medicine and herbs won’t work for you, we can try manual by manual.” Young Shiyi hiked up a corner of her lips. “You don’t want to?”

I gulped. “Uh, I’m not against it…”

“So you approve?”

“I d-, no!”

Grandmaster would make me kneel by the village gates for three years with a board dangling from my neck that says, “I’m a lecher who slept with his grandaunt. Please spit on me for three coins per rep!” Grandmaster could body me when I could fight, never mind now that I had lost my abilities!

Young Shiyi frowned. “You have a problem with it?”

“Will my punishment be waivered if I don’t?! Grandmaster would lay me out!”

Young Shiyi cuddled my head. “Even if he does, I’ll take care of you. Besides,” Young Shiyi cupped my face at close proximity to hers, “you’d still be winning even if you did get beat… It’s worth it.”

Sound! I’m down! I’ll take as many beatings from as many people as they come. If I even grimace, I’ll call myself a wuss. Grandmaster? Shifu? Mount Daluo? Jade Emperor? I’ll take anything they have to give!

“I’m in!”

“Good!” Young Shiyi covered her dimple behind her hand.

Wait, wait, wait!

“Dual cultivation with my grandaunt is going too far! At least, wait until, you know…”

“Until what? We can freely practice dual cultivation after whatever it is?”

“Not ‘freely’!” With a straight face, I wagged my hand. “We can think about the procedure.”

“Oho?” Young Shiyi brushed my chest with her fingertip, while her body was close enough for me to smell her. “Let’s… have our first class today, then.”

“First class?”

Is this really good idea?

“This isn’t the right place for it, though, no? Members of the imperial court are ubiquitous here.”

“Feizhen, martial artists are not so shallow. For instance, dual cultivation is a profound path to sagehood. Don’t lewd it.” Her assertion wasn’t remotely convincing when her eagerness was written all over her face. But, she wore on a stern visage upon reading my mind. “Listen carefully: you don’t have any internal energy at the moment, which renders you hyper prone to qi deviation. What do we do if your training exacerbates your condition? Have you forgotten what happened when you got hurt in training?”

That is an inaccurate recollection! It wasn’t I who wasn’t serious when training. It was Shifu who wasn’t serious! No matter how cautious I was, there was no helping it!

“What do you mean by first class? We don’t know any dual cultivation disciplines. Without a manual, isn’t it just purely…”

“Purely what?”

“Purely… that?”

Young Shiyi removed her hand on my chest to clock me on the head. “Here I am teaching you how to recover, while you’re only having lewd thoughts.”

Seeing Young Shiyi so sensually cheerful, I couldn’t help blurting, “Producing life is noble… very noble.”

Young Shiyi looked away. “It’s pretty warm in here. Shall we open the window?”

I didn’t point out the fact that I could tell Young Shiyi had fallen into her habit of looking away whenever she blushed. Smiling, I said, “In that case, we’ll leave the dual cultivation topic there for now.”

Young Shiyi’s eyelids flapped rapidly. “Why?”

“To avoid something bad happening. We can discuss it again once we get our hands on our manual.”

“I have one on me.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, look.” Young Shiyi tossed down a book. “I took this from Vast Sea Submerged Pearl Hall, you know?”

The title on the white cover read, “Fiery Uncontainable Loneliness”.

“What sort of blasted martial arts name is this?!”

This is a porno, isn’t it?! As if there’s any discipline with this name!

Young Shiyi pouted. “What are you making a fuss for? They’re just ordinary words. ‘Fiery’ obviously refers to Yang Realm. Yang energy is the foundation, so heat manifests as an external phenomenon. ‘Uncontainable’ refers to strengthening one’s body to contain pain. It’s likely just another way of referring to cleansing one’s body and tempering it. ‘Loneliness’ should be the most obvious; it refers to the mental state when training. One’s mind and body are connected when learning advanced disciplines. How is this any different to Melancholic Palms? Stop making a fuss over nothing.”

I’m making a fuss over nothing? The name gives away the fact that’s perverted material! How did you even come up with that legitimate-sounding interpretation?! Now I can’t stop analysing the name “Melancholic Palms”!

“You’re prejudice.” Young Shiyi vexingly flipped through the manual. “Ah, there’s a nude maiden.”

I’m telling it has to be a porn book! The title is lewd. The contents are even more professional. Oh, even the man is naked. Average artists can’t draw this position. Yeah, this is a pro’s work. Look at the lines. Look at the points emphasised. Look at the perfectly controlled rouge. This is grandmaster-level artistry.Don’t question a man who’s read one hundred and eight thousand porn books!

Glossary

Melancholic Palms – I don’t want to think readers don’t recognise this name, but in the case you don’t, it’s Yang Guo’s self-invented palm techniques. As much as I’d like to think you all recognise the name, for those who don’t, he’s main male protagonist of Return of the Condor Heroes.