My Pick Up Artist System

Batman was staring down a hotdog-shaped hallway. 'This must be what Ben Affleck felt like when he was dating Jennifer Lopez...'

Ben was considering whether to turn back or pass through this long, dark corridor. 'What should I do?'

Ahead: the unknown. Behind: c.o.c.ks seeking knocks…

'Ahead!' When he considered it that way...

He crept along the wall at a slow pace. Besides for the two lit exits, it was difficult to see much…until it was too late.

"Ooooh, we've got a visitor," a voice in the darkness said.

*Click*

Someone pulled a metal cord hanging from the ceiling, activating a single bulb that brought down blessed light.

Yet, Ben reacted like a vampire. "NOOO!"

The dark frightened humans by nature, but other things frightened them far more. It wasn't the light that burned Ben's irises, but what it brought with it—a man fisting another man!

A darkness no light could erase!

Ben turned pale. 'These demons! This is the hallway from hell!' He staggered backward, attempting to retreat, but he bumped into something massive blocking his exit. He glanced over his shoulder.

There was a giant of a man, but that wasn't the problem.

He was shirtless, but that was only the smaller problem.

He was pantless. That was getting to the root of it.

He was n.a.k.e.d except for a metal cage around his groin! Huge f.u.c.k.i.n.g problem!

'It looks like Bane's mask!' Ben stumbled back into the corridor. "Not good."

"What a lovely, lovely voice." The giant's words echoed through the corridor…

'Don't get into character! ...What should I do?' Ben's eyes turned bloodshot as he looked back at the alternative--the unholy puppet show...

There was no way out! He was between a c.o.c.k and a harm place!

'No, there's some space to the side of the fistmas spectacular…If I creep along the walls, I can squeeze through.' He set the plan into motion.

As Ben escaped, the giant moved in his direction like an Indiana Jones boulder, threatening to flatten him or worse. Ben increased his pace.

Then, he reached the first obstacle--fistapalooza…

The space between Ben and them was so narrow that he needed to hug the wall to edge by. Otherwise, he could touch something and pollute the crime scene…

As he skulked, the Baned beast also reached them. The giant reached his hand into a bowl near the two demons.

Ben frowned. 'What is that? ...no lawd no…That's a bowl of loose M&Ms!'

The giant grunted. "Needed some chocolate fuel…"

Ben swore to never eat M&Ms again!

He inched towards the exit even faster. Right as he was almost through, a barrier went up. An arm extended from the demon on all fours getting the Alabama manicure...

He blocked Ben's path! With a high pitch, the demon said, "The toll…"

Beads of sweat ran down Ben's face. "What toll?"

Then the demon showed a friendly smile. He held his hand up and his voice became gentle. "High five!"

…

To Ben, it wasn't friendly! It wasn't friendly at all! He didn't want to touch anything here! He furiously shook his head!

The demon started nodding his head just as furiously! He wouldn't take no for an answer!

Then the puppetmaster yelled, "Hey! If he ain't your type, I'll be done soon and you can high five me!"

What ensued next was the fastest and most enthusiastic high five Ben ever gave!

The four-legged demon received his toll! He waved as Ben ran into the distance. "Bye, Batman!"

Ben didn't dare look back. "Some men just want to watch the world burn!"

***

Panting, Ben looked around. At last, he released a genuine sigh of relief. He escaped! He'd found his way back to the entrance bar. That meant the exit was within sight.

While walking to his old spot by the bar, he reflected on today's nightmare. He'd lost his innocence. They've broken this cutie... 'This is why young people shouldn't try new things. The elderly and conservative are right. Stick with what you know. If we still used the horse and buggy, we'd have no deaths from car accidents…'

Suddenly, a voice came from behind him. "Are you alone?"

On instinct, Ben almost replied, "I have an army! Thousand strong! We are legion!" He stopped himself when he realized it was a woman's voice and his head swiveled around.

'M-m-m-milf…' Ben's jaw almost dropped when he saw this voluptuous mature woman. He wasn't a particular fan of older women, but in this case, she won him over with her…"talent."

'Too damn s.e.xy...' Ben thought. She looked like an older Scarlett Johansson with very short blonde hair. She even wore a dark leather outfit like Black Widow!

With a confident smirk, she took a few steps forward and cornered Ben against the bar, tracing her index finger down his jawline. "Well…what's it going to be?

Ben nodded with the fury of 1000 v.i.r.g.i.ns!

Hell yes he was alone! He'd accept being forever alone if it meant her doing a three-point landing on his little Bane!

He didn't care about getting Deadpool's sloppy seconds.

He didn't care if she got Ruffalized offscreen!

He didn't even care if they canonized the Avengers: Endgame fan fiction where she got cream-teamed at the afterparty!

He was ready...

It was time to shoot the post-credits scene--shawarma 2: c.o.c.kmeat sandwich.