Pay With Your Heart

520 Epiphany

Eun-Sun was convinced In-Ha’s frustration had more to do with feelings he was unknowingly beginning to bud for Ni-Na. She wasn’t exactly certain about it, but that seemed like the only plausible explanation for the visible frustration etched all over him.

Helplessly, she watched as he coarsely combed his hand through his hair and loudly sighed with sheer frustration. “I don’t know what to do. What should I do?” He asked, turning to Eun-Sun for answers.

In-Ha was overly troubled and conflicted about what was going on in his life at the moment, and he desperately needed to figure things out, find a way out of all of this.

“I don’t know what you should do, In-Ha. You have to figure this out on your own. You have to know exactly what you’re feeling. Is it just guilt and your sense of responsibility towards her that has you all worked up, or is it because you’re beginning to realize you have feelings for her?”

In-Ha’s eyes narrowed with a reaction of shock and surprise, probably too startled by the mention of the word, feelings. Eun-Sun keenly observed the expression he was regarding her, and she could tell he was pondering on that.

He sighed and raked his hand through his hair one more time. “I don’t know.” He tautly answered. He glanced at Eun-Sun and met her in the eye. “But...do you think that could be a possibility? Do you think I might be—” His voice trailed off and Eun-Sun saw the anxiety in his eyes.

“It’s possible, In-Ha.” Eun-Sun answered, knowing what he was obviously too scared to ask. “Ni-Na is a lovely girl, and it would be difficult to not want to be with someone like her.”

“She said she loves me.” In-Ha said, taking Eun-Sun by surprise as she stared at him with wide eyes.

“She did?” Of course she was. Eun-Sun was sure Ni-Na would not fall into bed with someone she didn’t at least care for. She wasn’t that type of a person.

.....

“She said she has been in love with me for long. How can she be in love with me? How did I not even know?” He barraged himself with these questions and he looked like he was in desperate need of answers.

“Clearly because you’ve been too busy and generous sharing your love with countless women, and leaving a long trail of broken hearts at your wake.” Eun-Sun said, and a grimace strained over his face.

“You’re going to be fiercely blunt, aren’t you?”

Eun-Sun shrugged. “You want my help, don’t you?”

In-Ha silently stared at her face, and nodded after a short break of silence.

He sighed. “I don’t know what’s going on with me, neither can I explain it, but since that night, I’ve sort of missed her, and since she loudly confessed her feelings to me, I haven’t had a bit of rest. My nights have been restless and she’s all I think about. I miss her, Eun-Sun, and I don’t know why.” The tenderness in his voice as he spoke revealed the sincerity in his heart as well as the confusion.

He might not know why, but Eun-Sun did. She had once experienced this unexplainable and indiscernible early feeling of love. She had felt that this way when Dan-Han first walked into her life and threw the reclusive world she had ever known into chaos.

She took a quick glance at Ni-Na, who seemed to be intentionally trying to be busy with everyone else. She stared back at In-Ha only to find him now staring at Ni-Na.

“Maybe you’re besotted.” She told him.

In-Ha darted his eyes to her. “You think I am?” His brows creased as they shot up.

“We both know you are. Or maybe you’re on your way to realizing it.” She said. In-Ha’s green-blue eyes maintained a silent fix on her, before shifting back to Ni-Na, who suddenly looked in their direction, but the moment she met In-Ha’s gaze, she darted her eyes away as if she had been scorched.

In-Ha sighed as he looked back to Eun-Sun. “You know before I met you, I was lost in my own world — a world where commitments and feelings didn’t exist. I had never imagined being with anyone and I wrote myself off love and it fantasies after Ji-A broke me and everything that made me me.”

Eun-Sun wasn’t sure where he was heading to with this, but she told herself not to interrupt him and calmly listen. For In-Ha’s sake she wished he wasn’t still in that stage of feeling for her, because she wanted him to surpass that already and find his own chance at love and happiness.

“Each time I saw you being you, being a fierce fireball ready to torch down the world, I slowly began to realize maybe I could get more than what I got from my women.”

“In-Ha—” Eun-Sun softly called, but he seemed determined to continue.

“And when I saw you with Dan-Han, saw the way you loved and warmed each other’s life, I became even more convinced I wanted that warmth in my life. I told myself maybe I could get that happiness, and have someone love and fight for me the way you do with Dan-Han. Jeez, Eun-Sun, you made me want to be in love and these past weeks I had opened myself to the possibility of finding love, true love just like you and Dan-Han.”

Eun-Sun couldn’t help the smile that broke across her face as she heard those words. She was delighted to know that this was what he felt at heart now.

“This thing with Ni-Na has had me restless and on edge for days now. I don’t know if this is finally it, but if it is, then I want it. I’d want to be with her not because we made love — hell, I haven’t been able to forget about it, but because I want her as the woman whose light is perfectly enough for me.” He said. Eun-Sun observed as the softened look his face has been able to achieve in the last two minutes suddenly began to turn taut again.

“But I doubt she’d ever want to be with me now. I think I hurt her a lot.”

“Feeling hurt in this situation is only natural.” Eun-Sun told him, trying to pacify him but he shook his head.

“You don’t understand.” He said. “She won’t even look at me, or respond to my calls and messages. I think she hates me now.” The grimace on his face turned too severe Eun-Sun found her heart aching behind her chest for him.

In-Ha and Ni-Na were two people that mattered a whole lot to her, and though why sudden affair was surprising, she could imagine them being together. It was true Ni-Na was hurt, and was probably in a dilemma about her feelings for him, but she doubted Ni-Na would hate In-Ha as he believed.

She seemed like those types, her types, that would wholly love someone despite their flaws. And hasn’t Ni-Na mentioned something about being in love with someone for so long and was still in love with that person even though—

Eun-Sun pulled a break on that thought, as her widened eyes stared at In-Ha.

“Oh my, so it was you!” She gasped with incredulity, while In-Ha looked at her with brows furrowed with confusion.

“Me what?”

“You’re the older guy she’s been in love with for so long but can’t have.” Eun-Sun gushed out, totally convinced the person Ni-Na had talked about during their first outing was In-Ha. “I can’t believe its you. You must be daft to have not noticed all these years.” Eun-Sun told him, while In-Ha looked at her dazedly.

All these years? Has Ni-Na been in love with him for so long?

“What did she say to you?” In-Ha urgently inquired, and Eun-Sun glared at him.

“You’re not asking me to spill to you, are you?” She angled a brow at him. In-Ha was certain she understood his question, but he was too nervous and distraught to answer her.

Seeing how unnerved he was, Eun-Sun sighed. She placed a hand on his. “Go talk to her, In-Ha.”

“Haven’t I being doing that? She hates me.”

“No, she doesn’t. She’s hurt and she doesn’t trust you. But if you’re convinced you want to give this a try—” Eun-Sun paused and narrowed her brows at him. “You’re convinced right? You’re not going to bail on her and hurt her, are you?”

“I’d never want to hurt, Ni-Na, not with the way I currently hate myself. I’m not sure of the future, but if this will work, then I’d want it to work with her. That I’m certain about.” He assured her.

“Good.” Eun-Sun nodded, totally pleased to hear that. “Go talk to her. Plead with her and convince her to trust you. Ni-Na loves you and she has done so for long you don’t even want to know.” Neither could he ever imagine how he must have hurt Ni-Na, especially when he had seemed besotted with her only a few months ago and had almost ruined his friendship with his bestfriend.

Poor Ni-Na. How she must have hurt at that.

“But what if she doesn’t still want me?” In-Ha nervously asked, as he glanced towards Ni-Na, who stared towards them before heading for the entrance of the cabin. He returned his gaze to Eun-Sun.

“Well, I guess then you’d know what you truly feel, and decide if you want to give up on her.”

....

The air at the deck was cold and biting, but Ni-Na had no interest in returning to join the party. She craved some silence and the sea was giving her that.

Watching the waters as the boat pushed through it distracted her mind from the unwanted thoughts in her head.

She flinched when she felt something drape over her shoulders. Her eyes shifted to the navy blue suit suddenly hanging over shoulders and from the familiar scent, she knew who owned it and who was standing behind her.

Without turning to him, she tried shrugging it off her shoulders, but he caught her wrist and stopped her. “You’ll turn blue. And the cold isn’t good for you.” He said behind her.

Hearing his words, she snorted. “Acting like you know me too well again?” She dryly asked and snatched her hand away from him.

In-Ha adjusted the jacket over her shoulders.

“But I do know you, Ni-Na. Maybe not as you’d want me to, but I do know you.”

Did he now? Ni-Na snorted under her breath and held the jacket over her to fight the cold. She wasn’t going to let her pride make her freeze to death.

She fixed her gaze ahead of her and ignored his presence, while he silently stood by her side and looked at the water as the ship continued to sail.

“I came looking for you.” He said, breaking the silence she was finally beginning to enjoy. “I know you were at home, but you chose not to see me.”

“I didn’t know I was mandated to welcome you whenever you come.”

In-Ha pressed his lips together to hold back on his words. It was obvious, she wasn’t going to make things easy for either of them, but that has always been her way. She was always witty, stubborn, relentless, too smart for her own age and recently, overpowering, but he wasn’t giving up.

He briefly looked over to her and turned away to watch the waters. “I wanted to see you.” He gently said.

“Well, you should have called.”

“The same calls you haven’t being answering?” He turned and raised a brow at her.

Ni-Na glanced at him. His brows had lines running through them and she knew he wasn’t in his very casual self. Something seemed different about him, but she wasn’t going to concern herself with that.

“Well, here I am. Say what you so badly want to say. But if it’s about what I said at the hospital, then please forget about it. I was emotional because I was having my period.”

“When you’re on your period, you’re cranky.” And that was a fact they both knew.

Ni-Na’s eyes gleamed with a glint of anger, but she quelled it. These were the things she was slowly coming to hate. The fact that there were some, if not too many things that he knew about her. She’d rather wish he knew nothing about her at all. Nothing about her stupid feelings for him.

She had been so stupid to have blurted out those words to him. She had hated herself over and over since that day, but there was nothing she couldn’t do about it except evade him.

In-Ha stared at her, or rather at her eyes which were gleaming with cusses and hatred for him, but he was going to ignore all at that. He had come with a purpose, one he was going to achieve.

“Is it true?” He asked.

“Is what true?” Ni-Na annoyingly asked back. She was taunting him and she was doing a good job at it. He can never forget how infuriating she could be.

He sighed under his breath. “What you said at the hospital?”

“I didn’t say anything at the hospital.” She denied and his eyes hardened at her even though he didn’t want them to.

“Ni-Na, don’t give me that crap. You damn well know what I’m talking about.” His tone was even and measured, slightly taking Ni-Na aback. She blinked.

“I don’t know—”

“Deny it one more time.” He dared her with his eyes and Ni-Na reflexively went mum.

He was getting agitated and she had no idea why, but his anger was making hers rise, but she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her in ruffled.

“So what if it’s true?” She asked. She turned to face him as he locked his eyes to her face. “What if it’s true, In-Ha?” She asked again. “So yes, I do love you. I’ve loved even before I knew the meaning of it. So now that you know, what are you going to do about it?” She tipped her chin at him, and In-Ha lost his composure.

Loved him before she knew the meaning of love?

“So it’s true.” He muttered, while Ni-Na wondered what he meant.

His once pressing eyes darted around, not sure of what to say, and seeing him like that pleased Ni-Na. So much for being serious. She almost hissed out.

.....

She tried turning away from him, but he suddenly gripped her hand and turned to him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked. “Why didn’t you say anything about your feelings? That you’ve been in love with me.”

“And why would I want to do that?” She made a casual roll of her eyes as she asked.

She wryly chuckled when he couldn’t give an answer. “So you get to probably add me to the list of women who warmed your bed? I already did, didn’t I?”

“Ni-Na, please don’t say that.” In-Ha desperately begged. He didn’t know how much he hated those words until she said them now. “You’re not like the other girls and I’ve put that life behind me already.”

“Yeah, I almost forgot about that. Same way you’ve moved past loving my sister-in-law. I hope you saw the ring?”

“You don’t have to be this way. Stop acting this way.” In-Ha pleaded with her. He wasn’t liking this attitude she was putting up. He wanted them to talk, and she wasn’t letting them do so.

“In-Ha look—”

“I agreed I liked Eun-Sun, maybe more than like, but I’ve let her go, Ni-Na. She came to my life at the right time and made me realize what I could have and need. And Ni-Na, I think I might have found it. I think I found you.” He said, making Ni-Na confusedly stare at him with unblinking eyes.

Taking advantage of her dazed reaction, In-Ha walked closer till he was standing in front of her. She looked beautiful under the warm lights illuminating around the ship. She looked different and perfect.

“How could I have been so stupid and blind?” He muttered, as his hand brushed through her hair on their own accord.

In-Ha’s eyes fell on her lips, and a urge to plunder on them overtook his mind, but he stopped himself. He was there to make things right and not worse.

“Ni-Na, I know I’ve given you a thousand reasons to hate me and not to trust me, because I have terribly hurt you and I probably still make your heart bleed every time you think of me. I’ve being a fool and for that I’m sorry.” He said, his voice filled with extreme tenderness Ni-Na had never speak with before, and it made her heart beat incredibly hard.

“I know I’m not worth the tears I’ve made you shed or your love, but Ni-Na I want try. I’m not saying this because of what happened, hell maybe I am, but only because it was my moment of epiphany and being right here with you is another moment where I’m realizing that I’ve been a fool for you not seeing you all these years Ni-Na. And right now, I want to be good enough for you, and I want to have a go at whatever will bloom between us. I want to have you Ni-Na, if only you’ll have me.”

...

A/N: This chapter is incredibly long, I hope you all don’t mind. I didn’t see the sense in splitting it as it flowed better as a single chapter.

I want to say a big thank you to each and everyone of you, who have been patient with me. Honestly, I don’t know what’s up with me, but I’ve been out of it lately and staying off writing isn’t helping either.

I feel stuck and overwhelmed, and I’ve been trying to figure out the next phase of my life these past weeks especially as I’m done with my national service.

I’ve been overwhelmed so much I didn’t know what to write and I didn’t want to ruin the book, definitely not when we’re at the end. Anyways, I told myself I’m going to see to the end of this book before the weekend, and I hope I can achieve that. Thanks for all your support and love. I do appreciate them.

Keep calm and write something...