QT: Against My Will

Chapter 33: 2.19 – Take it out on Me – Mr. and Mrs. Jelly

+— Author’s note —-+

Proofreaded by P.D Webb.

+—————–+

Xuan Mu started to change. His mood swings were even worse than a woman on her period. In five seconds, he could change his personality five times! He always kept to their promises, no swearing, no hating during their disputes. Despite that, he was still able to hurt her.

“I wish I never met you! I should have killed myself back then!” The darkness within Xuan Mu’s heart came like a thick forest mist. And the only person he could cast the heavy mantle upon? The person who was always beside him, Bing Shi, only her.

‘No, No, don’t say such things.’

‘Why is he shouting at me?’

.....

“Could you stop that?!” Bing Shi started to cry, ending the call out of reflex. She was confused by his change of personality. Growing wings of tight skin, she was this close from fleeing out of their predicament. He soon called again and it took her everything she got before she answered, “I don’t want to hear it again! I hate when you say such things!”

“No, please don’t leave me. At least you, don’t give up on me, please,” Xuan Mu pleaded to her. He didn’t know the reason, but he felt like he was breaking, literally, into little pieces of nothing.

“What’s wrong with you!?!” Bing Shi’s next words died in her throat as her face sagged, quickly checking out the tissue box by her nightstand – it was empty. She had no choice but to blow her nose into the drenched old tissue.

“I don’t know!” Xuan Mu answered, full of frustration, his hand gripped his phone tighter, “I want to give up.”

Bing Shi thought of encouraging him by showing concern and empathy with a few drops of helpful suggestions, “Don’t give up! You are doing grea-!”

“Even you are pressuring me?! Your praises are not working on me!” Xuan Mu scowled, anger growing inside him, “Stop manipulating me!”

“And you stop shouting at me!” Bing Shi hissed and turned off the call again. Could she slap him? Could she?! What was going on inside of him must have been difficult, from the way he behaved, it looked unbearable. But there were times one must protect themselves if the damage from a partner was too much!

Every night ended with a bitter flood of tears. They didn’t know how to resolve it. She wanted to walk with him through any and every storm, but it was akin to trying to hold onto a hurricane with open arms – Xuan Mu became more and more unreasonable.

Eventually, he apologized to her, “I’m sorry... I miss you. I want to play with you, but I have no time,” croaked Xuan Mu, his voice exhausted, his dark eye circles becoming more apparent.

“I know, but this is not normal! Your mood swings are crazy!” Bing Shi didn’t want to talk with him if he behaved like yesterday again.

Xuan Mu furrowed his brows, fuming with annoyance, “Why are you crying so much?! Stop crying!”

His words increased her doubt, and she felt like her loud sobbing would go ‘boom’ supernova any second, “You are scary!”

“No, I’m not scary,” Xuan Mu panicked and begged for the next second, his manner switching upside-down as easy as catching a flu, “Bing Shi, don’t be afraid of me.”

“Xuan Mu, can you leave that mansion?” Bing Shi asked.

“No,” Xuan Mu refused.

“Let’s go to sleep. We didn’t sleep at all these days,” mumbled Bing Shi, her devotion drying up really fast.

“Please, talk to me, don’t hang up on me,” Xuan Mu pleaded, shutting up his thoughts as they made him believe that her words were stomping on his heart rather than trying to lend him a hand.

“It doesn’t matter what I say. You would always overreact.” Bing Shi started to give up. She was becoming more sad than happy. She tried everything. Being nice? Being angry? Nothing worked!

What about the saying ‘If one didn’t accept you at your worst, they didn’t deserve you at your best?’ Could it be used in their situation? Xuan Mu snapped resentfully, “So what?! Not everybody is as perfect as you. Find yourself a man who is like you. So you can live happily ever after. I don’t care anymore.”

‘Is he Xuan Mu?’

‘Give me back my Xuan Mu.’

Bing Shi hung up on him again, knowing how she would always pick up his call with the hope that her Xuan Mu would return back.

“How does it feel to have a sick boyfriend like me? Are you scared? Are you tired of me? Want to get rid of me?” Xuan Mu fretted eerily.

“You need to rest. Go to sleep,” Bing Shi ignored his hurtful words and held in her tears again.

“Don’t order me around! I’ll do whatever I want! I’m not your slave. Don’t hang up! Don’t try to get rid of me!” Xuan Mu growled furiously. He wanted her here with him so much – the great distance would often make him think that she was just a fragment of his imagination.

Bing Shi was at her end.

‘~ He needs help. You need to save him.’

‘How? I tried.’

‘~No, you only made it worse by always running away.’

‘But he is hurting me.’

‘~Who is in more pain?’

‘He is.’

‘But I’m scared of him.’

‘~ Isn’t he showing you his true feelings?’

‘He is.’

‘~ Try to understand him more, find a source of his mood swings because they don’t make sense.’

With his symptoms, it didn’t take her long to find out what was wrong with him.

‘Severe Depression?’

She tilted her head upward and covered her mouth tightly, afraid of letting out a sound. Still, she couldn’t hold it in and a high-pitched cry full of grief escaped her lips. She wasn’t certain if her deduction was right, and just to make sure, she asked a doctor’s help on the internet anonymously.

‘It makes sense now...’

‘When I said other people had it worse, he went crazy...’

‘When I said everything would be alright, he went lunatic...’

She broke down and started to sob like a child, the thought of him ending his life like a sharp edge of a blade etching into her heart, as much as upon the wood. She regretted her behaviour. She shouldn’t have run away from their problems.

‘I almost killed him.’

‘He is obsessive, suicidal, stressed, and now even depressed.’

‘Why are all these bad emotions occupying his beautiful mind?’

‘How is he still holding on?’

‘Is it because of me?’

‘But I as his girlfriend don’t even let him touch me...’

‘He deserves much more.’

‘I’m the worst...I should have found out sooner.’

‘I’m not worthy of him...’

When Xuan Mu called her again, Bing Shi picked up the call and almost dropped the phone after hearing what he was about to say.

“Why am I even trying? I should just die, so you can finally be free,” Xuan Mu said truthfully, ready to give up. He was sick of everything, “Let’s break up.”

‘No.’

‘Please.’

‘Stop hurting yourself.’

‘Don’t give up on yourself, on us...’

“I’m not enough of a reason to keep you alive?” Bing Shi asked as she ignored her aching heart.

“I don’t know.” Tears fell down his eyes as he answered truthfully. He was such a failure, always giving up on everything, now, even his girlfriend.

As usual, their eyes would wander to their windows to gaze at the stars, to peek into the universe... the spectacle that was given sung them a silent hymn... as if ordering them to look and feel both their smallness. They closed their eyes, mutely enthralled, feeling the slow thud of their hearts.

On Break