Red Envelope Group of the Three Realms

Jiang Ziya: Everyone! Be quiet!

The participants were so numerous that the chat was spiraling out of control. Nobody calmed down even after Jiang Ziya kept spamming the chat with screams for silence.

Jiang Ziya: First and foremost, there's no need to be nervous. We are only choosing the first deity to descend to the human realm, and they won't be the last! We'll keep sending them to the human realm regularly!

The chat was silence after that message. All the deities and monsters were immortal after all, meaning that eventually everyone would get a shot at the mission.

Jiang Ziya: Anyway, the lot of you aren't familiar with the rules. That's why I need to brief you before you go.

NeZha: All we need to do is recruit three million disciples, right? What other rules are you talking about?

Jiang Ziya: Any deity or monster who travel to the human realm are not allowed to carry any abilities or merit points over for the sake of balance. All of you will go as mortals.

Yanwang: We knew that a long time ago. It's no big deal! Humans are weak, so we just need to bring some of our possessions along and improve our cultivation to rule earth!

Jiang Ziya: Let me finish! Those who participate are banned from bringing their possessions along too. You may still use the group chat, but you are not allowed to send or snatch Red Envelopes!

Xiao Tianquan: What!? We can't bring our possessions or even snatch Red Envelopes? That would make the mission really difficult!

Chang'e: That's right! How is it possible for an ordinary human to recruit three million disciples? And is there a time limit for this mission?

Jiang Ziya: No, there isn't. However, you are not allowed to leave the human realm if you don't complete the mission!

The chat became quiet again.

Wei Xiaobao: What? Is that a joke? I'm not going to the human realm anymore… All my seven wives are going to run off with other men before I complete the mission!

Chen Xiaobei: What about me? Can I still keep sending and snatching Red Envelopes?

Jiang Ziya: You're not bound to that rule. However, the Primeval Lord of Heaven did mention that no one is to send God Chen any items that can improve cultivation tremendously, including Spiritual Qi!

Chen Xiaobei: I see…

"What the hell!" Chen Xiaobei frowned, upset even though he never received such items. "This isn't some Three Realms Mission – it's a trap! And they have no right to restrict the items I receive from Red Envelopes!"

Due to the strife between Chanism and Jieism, Chen Xiaobei suspected that the Primeval Lord of Heaven was trying to screw around with him.

"My Sifu is still in the Ancient Land. I don't have anyone that I can complain to – it seems like I'm on my own for now…" Chen Xiaobei was frustrated, but there was nothing that he could do – it was impossible for him to change rules set by the Primeval Lord of Heaven. "I'll just do whatever I can to smooth things out. Sister Chang'e would console my weary soul if she gets chosen…"

With that, Chen Xiaobei turned back to his cellphone and paid close attention to the chat.

Jiang Ziya: Back to business! Those who are still willing to enter the human realm for the mission, please come to me and finalize your applications. We will then do a lucky draw and select the first candidate.

Time passed.

A lot less people went for the second registration after learning that they might have to stay in the human realm for a very long time. Still, those who were close to Chen Xiaobei went for the second registration.

'I don't mind having Monkey King or NeZha,' he thought. 'Even if it's not Chang'e, Yanwang and Xiao Tianquan would be fine too! Please don't send someone who could f*ck my life up!'

Chen Xiaobei's eyes were glued to the screen of his cellphone.

Chang'e: I'm so nervous right now. I'm not sure whether I will be chosen…God Chen… Is earth a cold place?

Chen Xiaobei: It's a little cold, but not as cold as Guanghan Palace.

NeZha: Pick me! God Chen, is there enough Wahaha High-Cal Milk on earth? I want an unlimited supply of it!

Chen Xiaobei: Don't worry… You can even swim in Wahaha High-Cal Milk if you are chosen to travel to the human realm!

Xian Tianquan: I want a mountain's worth of sausages! Is that possible?

Chen Xiaobei: No problem! You will get a mountain of sausages of every flavor!

Yanwang: I want an unlimited supply of spicy sticks!

Chen Xiaobei: Easy! I'll buy the factory that produces spicy sticks for you!

Monkey King: Stop dreaming! We have no idea who will be picked! What if you guys fall short?

Chang'e: I'm pretty sure I will be chosen… There aren't as many registrants this time – there are just six of us, there is a high chance that one of us here will be chosen!

NeZha: That's right, we are destined to walk alongside God Chen!

Xiao Tianquan: I think so too!

Yanwang: Me too!

Chen Xiaobei: I hope so too! Brother, we are going to have fun together!

Jiang Ziya: Silence! I have the results!

The chatter stopped.

"Who… Who…" Chen Xiaobei's eyes were bulging as he prayed to see a familiar name on his cell phone screen.

Jiang Ziya: Cough… The first deity traveling to the human realm is… Shaoba Xingjun!

*Blarrghh…*

Chen Xiaobei almost spat a fountain of blood that blew through the roof!

"What the hell! Who the hell is Shaoba Xingjun? I've never even heard of him!"

Meanwhile, the group became noisy again.

Chang'e: Damn! Bad luck! I did not get chosen!

NeZha: Why not me? Why?

Yanwang: Blame the monkey! It's a jinx!

Monkey King: That's luck I guess. Better luck next time!

Shaoba Xingjun: I didn't even register… Why me?

Yanwang: Damn! The God of Misfortune is here! I'm leaving!

Xiang Tianquan: I'm leaving too! His bad luck is contagious!

NeZha: God Chen, take care! I'm leaving as well!

Everyone: Let's leave! Let's leave!

Soon, most of the members left the group.

"Shit…God of Misfortune?" Chen Xiaobei was frustrated to no end.

Why him??!!

"F*ck! I knew it! The Primeval Lord of Heaven is trying to f*ck with me! That mean old fart!" Chen Xiaobei frowned as he realized he needs to take care of the God of Misfortune!

Shaoba Xingjun: Hello. Could you answer my question? (Meek)

Jiang Ziya: What question? I can't change the results of the lucky draw so just get ready. I'm going to send you to the human realm!

Shaobao Xingjun: Uhm…

Jiang Ziya: Don't worry, you can bring one of your abilities with you when you travel to the earth! The source of this ᴄontent is (f)ir(e).nᴇt

Shaobao Xingjun: Which ability would that be?

Jiang Ziya: The Mouth of Curses!

*Blaaargh…*

Chen Xiaobei spat out blood again.