The Beautiful Monster

Alyssa felt like all of the air was knocked out of her lungs. She blinked a few times, having to run her mom's words through her head a few more times to grasp them. She didn't understand.

"Died? What do you mean?" Alyssa asked. She wondered if she was just hearing things wrong or if she wasn't understanding properly. That had to be it.

It couldn't be anything else. She ignored Zoe and Elias' shocked looks. They didn't know what was going.

She didn't know what was going on. Maybe even her mom didn't know what was going on.

"Pancreatic cancer," her mom sniffled. "Took him away from me."

Alyssa tried to recover her breath, but it was elsewhere. It felt like there was a hole in her lungs. She couldn't hold in enough air. It kept escaping her like a punch. Over and over.

"When?" Alyssa managed to ask. How did this happen? She didn't even know that her dad was sick. No one said anything to her!

"This morning," her mom replied. "His funeral is at the end of the week."

Alyssa stared at the space in front of her. Truthfully, she didn't even really register what was right in front of her eyes.

She just heard her mom's words and felt a dull ache in her chest. Reality was starting to hit her, and it ached.

She wasn't close to her parents, and they were issues with their relationship, but she didn't want them… dead. She didn't want this to be happening!

She couldn't believe that he was gone. Just like that. She didn't even remember her last words to him or his last words to her. They probably weren't all that nice.

"We couldn't afford treatment," her mom continued.

That blow hit Alyssa extra hard. Her mom hadn't said anything about needing the money for cancer treatments! She didn't tell her a word.

She didn't even know how long they had known he was sick for. Each and every thought that passed through her brain made her more and more nauseous. She didn't think she could handle this. How could she?

There were plenty of moments when she was sure that she hated her dad. Now, he was gone, and there was no sort of closure between them.

They never had a chance. All she had to remember him by was a bunch of bad memories that she wished she could forget in a heartbeat.

"I'm so sorry," Alyssa found herself saying. She wished that they hadn't kept this from her. She could've helped at least a little bit sense they needed the money.

She didn't even know how to feel. She wished that someone could tell her because it would be so much simpler.

"Yeah," her mom merely said. "I have to go. Family is here."

Alyssa looked stunned as the call went dead. It had to be real if family was there. Family would only ever come around if someone died. Maybe not even then.

She swallowed hard as her eyes stung. She felt almost blinded, but she had to move. She couldn't stay here.

"Hey, are you okay?" Elias asked her as he scooted his chair closer to her. He looked incredibly concerned for her and so did Zoe. They only heard bits and pieces, but they knew that the news wasn't good.

Alyssa kept staring straight ahead.

"My dad died," she managed to say. Before anyone could say anything, she stood up from her chair and walked out of the café.

She didn't want anyone catching up with her, so she started running. She didn't even care that people were staring at her.

She just needed to run, to not just sit there. It felt like ants were crawling all over her skin.

She could hear her phone ringing, but she couldn't pick up. She didn't even want to look at her phone right now.

She kept hearing her mom's voice in her head, and it wouldn't stop. It wouldn't quiet down. Was there any way to get rid of the noise?

Once Alyssa reached her dorm room, she started throwing things in her backpack. She didn't even know if she was packing the right things.

She just knew that she needed to leave. She had to go home. She never thought she'd find herself thinking that, but it was the only place she could think to go right now.

She knew that she left Zoe and Elias confused, but they would understand later. They just didn't understand what was going through her head right now.

They didn't understand that she had to leave now. She hurried out to her car, threw her things inside, and then got in the passenger seat.

She had a little bit of a drive ahead of her, but she didn't care. She just needed to go forward, and this was the fastest way.

She didn't even care about missing her classes or saying goodbye to anyone. At the end of one's life, did that even matter? Did anything even matter?

*************

There was a sea of darkness in front of Alyssa. She blinked a few times to clear her blurry vision, and she watched the fuzzy blobs turn into mourners in black clothing.

Her eyes shifted around the small church as she sat in one of the back pews.

She couldn't bring herself to get any closer to her father as he laid in his wooden casket at the front of the church.

Even if he was her father, she still felt like she didn't even belong here. All of her family members that she hadn't seen in years gave her funny looks, and she couldn't even be bothered to try to talk to them.

Of course, she told her grandmother and grandfather that she was sorry for the loss of their son, but they hardly even acknowledged her. Maybe they just didn't recognize her.

She didn't know why she came back here. She just felt like she needed to. He was still her dad at the end of the day. She felt like she needed to see him off, to watch him go.

Then, she felt like she would be split apart from the family once again. They only came together for this moment.

Once it was over, things would go back to normal for the most part.