The Duke's Passion

Chapter 313 - [Bonus ]The Day I Returned To Grimsbanne

Strange, wasn't it? We left Whistlebird with a full stomach, but the emptiness inside me remained unfulfilled. We camped on the road that night and then continued our arduous journey before the crack of the day. Just like in the past days, we traveled in silence. Yul would constantly talk to me, but I barely replied with a hum.

"We're almost there, Your Grace." Yul broke his silence once again after a half-day of quietness.

"I can see that," I replied, staring outside where I could see the borders of Grimsbanne. The sight of it gave me this mixed emotions; emotions that were thrice as intense as what I felt when we left Whistlebird.

"We're really back…" My breathing grew heavier and so was my body. It was as if the second we entered this territory, a gigantic rock was placed on my shoulders.

"I received a word from the duchy that some knights were waiting for your return. The townsfolk also wanted to welcome your return, but were told to stay inside their houses as per your request." Yul informed me as we met a knight that was left to protect Grimsbanne to give us a message halfway through our journey.

"That's good." I nodded in appreciation. "They don't need to welcome us and the ashes of my husband. Holding a public mass is better than standing outside in this cold season."

"Yes. They had arranged it for tomorrow." Yul cleared his throat. "Are you sure you don't want to rest first? We had a rough journey. Your people will surely understand if you postpone it for a day."

"It's alright. I can't delay the grieving hearts of his people."

"Lilou," Yul let out a deep sigh. "You're grieving too. Among everyone, you are the most who is in pain…"

"I am in pain, but I'm not grieving, Yul." I slowly peeled my eyes away from the road to him. "To me, Sam is alive somewhere. I am merely fulfilling the wish of his people and respect what they believe… regardless of what I believe."

"You can't!" His breath hitched as his chest moved out, then back in slowly. "You can't keep denying his death, sister. You have to accept it… not now, but you have to consider accepting it." Yul gazed down in worry as his tone lowered.

"If I accept it… I will die, Yul," I murmured, clasping my skirt tightly.

Denying it was just my defense mechanism to keep moving forth, because accepting my husband's death and that he would not return to me was a slow and painful death. Sam's death was not the most painful of all. What was the most painful of all were the days that had passed by without him.

"It was already hard for me despite tricking myself." I paused and took a deep breath, swallowing down the tension in my throat. "Don't speak about this again, Yul. I'm calm now… but I can't guarantee what I'll do the next time."

"I'm just worried. You know that." He sighed heavily. "But if that is what you truly want, then so be it."

"I don't blame you," I uttered after a brief silence. "I just decided to keep my heart and eyes closed, and my mind open. Sam told me that before… and it helps, barely."

Silence dawned upon us once again as we didn't talk even when we reached the little town of Banse. We made a brief stop as some knights escorted us from the entrance of Grimsbanne, and Yul talked to them while I remained inside.

"Your Grace, everything had been fine in here. The knights will escort us all the way to the estate." Yul reported as soon as he returned to the carriage.

I remained silent momentarily, gazing outside with my eyes in a certain direction. "Let's go there."

"Your Grace?"

"Over there," I said, staring at the route heading to the field. "Let's make a stop there first."

"Oh… but — I mean, alright…?"

Just as I requested, our carriage headed towards the place where I used to work. Some of us headed straight to the duke's mansion, while I kept only a few knights and Yul with me. It didn't take us long enough to reach our destination. We stopped from a distance and went on foot since I didn't want to catch everyone's attention.

"This is where you work before?" asked Yul, gazing at the empty field which was now covered with thin snow. The very few knights that were with us kept their distance while we stood near the field.

"Mhm." I nodded, recalling those times where everything was simple. "It's not a good life, but compare to now, life back then was more bearable."

"I beg to disagree. You can eat now to your heart's content and have the power to make a change."

"You're right." A bitter smile resurfaced on my lips as he had a point. "But even so, I'd choose that life in a heartbeat over the life I have now. It may be superficial, but if I can stay like that version of me for even a second… I would."

Because the past me was just frustratingly ignorant… but she was happy. The present me was just an empty shell.

"Lilou? Is that really you, Lilou?" Suddenly, I heard a woman's very familiar voice from our side. Yul and I instinctively turned our heads to her, only to see Old Olly and a group of elders with her.

"Oh, goodness!" their eyes brightened up in relief as soon as our eyes met, while I was frozen on the spot. "It's really is you!"

Old Olly and the rest immediately rushed to me, surrounding me while Yul backed away. She held my hand, her hand trembled as she looked at me teary-eyed.

"You child! Where have you been all this time, huh? Do you know how worried we were?" nagged Old Olly and then followed by the rest.

"The children had been asking about you even until now! A lot of things happened! Where have you been?"

"Goodness! Thank the Lord you were safe! We almost died out of worry!"

"How have you been, Lilou? Have you been well?"

They berated me with a series of nagging, but their eyes were welling up. My mouth opened and closed, no words came out. So, I took a deep breath and sported a weak smile.

"Why are you all out in the cold?" I asked as I didn't have the energy to lie and tell them I was alright. They would figure out if I did.

"Oh!" Old Olly snapped and then frowned, casting everyone a look. "We tried to send the flowers we made with the children to the Duchess. We heard she will arrive today… and we want to comfort her."

My eyes fell on the garland in their hands. It seemed they failed, seeing their mood suddenly turned grim. However, this gesture moved me.

"There were many people who sent gifts and condolences to the Duchess, so they couldn't accommodate us." Old Olly cleared her throat as she tried to stay positive. "We will give it to her after the public mass tomorrow. They told us that she will join… Lilou?"

Old Olly's expression suddenly grew worried as she looked at me. "Are you alright? Why are you crying?"

I didn't realize that the tears that failed to spill from my eyes suddenly fell without restriction. It just fell like waterfalls, staining my cheek as I bit my lower lip as hard as I could.

"Goodness, child." Old Olly glanced at the others. They look all worried.

"Were are you hurt?" they asked with the purest sincerity in their voice.

I nodded, almost choking. "It… it hurts," came out a muffled reply, and I clutched my chest. "Here… it hurts here. I feel like dying."

"Oh, child. Come here." They didn't ask me a single question, but they consoled me with a warm embrace.

And just like that, I bawled, cried my heart out until my knees gave way. All I could remember was I cried and cried, screaming while clutching my chest as if my heart would stop at any moment.

******

Yul watched Lilou cry like how a wife should be for losing her husband. He gritted his teeth, balling his hand into a fist as he looked away. The elders who were consoling her didn't raise a question, and just rubbed her back and wept with her.

'You finally cried, sis…' he took a deep breath and walked away, giving Lilou a space with these people. These people who had nothing in their name, but carry the power that none of them had.

A heart to touch Lilou and a voice to reach her.

******

"So, she knows how to cry too, huh?" Klaus muttered as they watched Lilou from the distance. "Tell everyone to close the area."

He didn't even turn back to the knights who accompanied him from behind them. The knight bowed and executed the orders without questions asked.

"Is it really necessary to close the area just because Lilou is crying?" Silvia asked, standing to his side with her eyes on Lilou and those peasants.

"We don't know who is watching, Silvia." Klaus cast her a side-eye before setting them back to Lilou. "Lilou had given us the freedom to mourn for them and even after that, that frail-looking woman faced Stefan without fear, nor did she show any sign of weakness."

Klaus deliberately paused, rocking his head lightly. "I will keep it that way… I'm sure she will not appreciate it if someone sees her other than those people breakdown."

"You sound like a proper knight now, Klaus." Silvia chuckled, shaking her head as it seemed they had all matured overnight. "But you're right. We have to be her walls, just like how she stood like a wall for us to lean on."

The day she had mourned was also the day the Lilou they had all known died.

-- END OF VOLUME 4 --