Tondemo Skill de Isekai Hourou Meshi

The next day, we were lounging about the living room, relaxing our tummies after a good breakfast when I heard pounding at the door.

“Hm? Who could that be?” I muttered to myself.

I don’t think I made any plans to see anyone?

Still, I headed outside to see which inconsiderate idiot was repeatedly slamming the knocker of my temporary abode.

“Yes, yes, I’m on my way. Hold on, please.”

Could it be someone from the Adventurer’s Guild? Is there some kind of emergency or, more likely, complaints about Fer speeding through the streets yesterday?

“Apologies for the wait,” I said as I opened the door.

“About time!”

An entire group of people marched past me into the living room without so much as a ‘by your leave’.

They were all very flashy. By flashy I mean, they were practically dripping in gold. It was kind of painful to look at them directly. Following this group of flashy people were a bunch of mean-looking people. Their bodyguards? Well, they would certainly need bodyguards to prevent thieves from snatching bits of gold dripping off their person…

Wait, why are they here?!

“Hey!” I snapped, finally coming out of the gold-dazzled stupor that I had fallen in. “What are you doing here? I never gave you permission to enter!”

“Haah? We already came all the way here and you want to make us wait outside?” one of the sparkling people gasped.

I was getting a bad feeling about this shiny group of people with their thugs, ““Fer, Grandpa Gon, Dora-chan and Sui, come to the living room. There are some weirdos here!””

My familiars soon came bouncing, flying and bounding into the living room.

““Woah, ‘sup with these guys? Shiny~~”” said Dora-chan.

“Keke, what bad taste,” Fer smirked.

“Hooh? Are they here to invade? What brazen fellows,” said Grandpa Gon.

“”Want Sui to pew pew?””

Hehe, I immediately felt better now that my familiars are here.

“W-what’s this? How dare these filthy monsters threaten us?!”

“Hey, they are my important companions and friends. How dare you? Also, you were the ones who entered my house without permission.”

The faces of the shiny entourage turned bright red with anger and they began to shout.

“How rude!! What do peasants like you know about us?!”

“Disrespectful!”

I blinked at the very uncreative insults. It was all variations of ‘rude’ or ‘disrespectful’, which, if I think about it, were just synonyms of each other.

“Hey! If anyone’s disrespectful, it’s you guys. How dare you just come into my place without permission?”

“Kuuhh, we are representations of the Great Church of Rubanov! This man here is the bishop!”

Eww, I immediately recoiled at their presence. I so do not want to associate with these kinds of people. “So? Why are you here?”

“You… how dare you use that tone with us!?” One of the entourage raged at me.

“[1] Now, now,” the shiniest and gaudiest-looking person smiled smarmily at me. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Bishop of the Church of Rubanov.”

“…yes?”

“[1] I understand that you have been generously donating money to churches within Brixt, yes?”

“…yeah?” I’m beginning to see where this is going…

“[1] Well, perhaps, in your haste, you may have, ah, overlooked the Church of Rubanov. Therefore, I, the Bishop of the Church of Rubanov, came to see you.” The smarmy smile widened.

I reflexively recoiled.

“Ahem, well, in all honesty, I have not forgotten the Church of Rubanov…”

“Oh? We are very happy that you remembered us.”

“It’s just that I don’t wish to donate anything to the church.”

“… …”

“… …”

“Bwahahaha!!!”

Fer…

“Gyahahaha!!”

Grandpa Gon…

“”Gyahaha! You tell ‘em!!””

Dora-chan yelled.

“Wh-wh-what did you say?”

Ah, the bishop looked angry. Well, all of them looked very angry.

“Well, it is as I have said. I do not wish to donate anything to the Church of Rubanov. I don’t agree with many of your doctrines. I only donate to organisations that are in line with what I think is right…”

The shiny entourage began to yell again.

The bishop did not yell, but his face was very red as he glared at me. He certainly sounded very angry as he grounded out, “Hou, are you mocking the Great Church of Rubanov? Humph, you dare!?”

He winked obviously at the waiting bodyguards, who put their hands on the hilt of their swords.

“… …” are these people for real? Do they not realise what kind of support I have behind me?

““Hey, are these guys dumb?””

“Here I thought the ones at the War God’s place were dumb.”

“There seems to be some correlation between lack of self-awareness and those who engage in battles of their own species…” Grandpa Gon mused thoughtfully. [2]

“”Just make sure not to kill them,”” I sighed. ““I really don’t want to have to report that to the Adventurer’s Guild.””

“Hoho, why so silent?” the bishop seemed to have taken my silence as something like fear? Because he was babbling a lot of nonsense. “Humph, so long as you donate the same amount of money to the Great Church of Rubanov, we shall magnanimously ignore this faux pas.”

“Are you threatening me? Extortion is still a crime, right?”

A few more veins popped up on the bishop’s face, “You dare mock us?! Take them out!!”

The bodyguards flew forward with their swords. [2]

[3] Fer casually lifted his paw and stomped lightly on the floor once. The resulting wind fluttered my hair, but sent the bodyguards head over heels backwards. The shiny nouveau riche entourage and the bishop also collapsed to the floor. Some were screaming, others were trying to crawl away to the door.

It was all very noisy and chaotic.

I sighed, “I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve by attacking me in front of my familiars. But, please know that if you try this again you could die? So, please leave as quickly as possible if you want to live.”

As the group staggered through the door, someone shouted ‘You won’t get away with this!!’ before the door slammed shut.

“… …” what’s with that petty villain line?

““Sooo, why were they here again?”” asked Dora-chan. “”I didn’t quite catch it.””

“They wanted money,” I sighed.

“Humph, those brazen lot,” Fer sneered.

“So, why didn’t you give them?” asked Grandpa Gon. “You gave money to many churches and temples, even some other organizations, yes?”

“I just don’t like them,” I said. “I’d rather throw the money down the drain than support Rubanov.”

“Eh, that’s as good a reason as any,” said Grandpa Gon with a shrug. He was really not at all interested in human affairs, but only asked out of idle curiosity. “More importantly, what are we having for lunch?”

“It’s still a little early to think about lunch. I think I should report this to the Adventurer’s Guild. There’s no police box here and the next best thing to authority are probably the soldiers… still, I’d like to speak to Tristan-san about this and get his advice.”

“Oh, are we going out again?”

“Well, I’m a little worried about those Rubanov thugs. This place is a rental, and I don’t want to come back to see it vandalised. Could you and Dora-chan stay here and guard the place while I visit the Guild with Sui and Fer?”

“Hmm, sure, I don’t mind.”

“”Hey, I’m good. Bring back some meat skewers as reward!!””

“What are meat skewers?”

“”Hoho, more yummy stuff!””

“I’m already convinced with the word ‘meat’ in the name.”

““Meat~~ meat~~””

“Umu, I don’t mind having meat skewers,” said Fer.

We’re essentially going out to make something like a police report, but all you guys can think of is meat skewers?

Haaahhh….

At the Adventurer’s Guild.

“Humph, humph, well, well, to think the Church of Rubanov actually did that. This is indeed a serious matter.”

Tristan-san did not look unhappy at all at this news.

“Fufufufufu, I really can’t overlook this thing. Indeed, since I shall be leaving for the Royal Capital with the things Mukouda-san had entrusted me… yes, the timing should be just right.”

“Hm? The Royal Capital?”

“Ah, don’t worry about a thing. I shall make sure to lodge a complaint about their terrible behaviour. Ahem, if those people dare to make trouble for you again, just let the Adventurer’s Guild know~”

“I see, thank you. However, my party will be leaving for Carelina tomorrow.”

“Oh? Is that so?”

“I shall make a last stop here before leaving. Thank you very much for the excellent care.”

“No, no, thank you for clearing the dungeon and bringing those excellent items to us. It’s been very profitable for us~”

“No, no, that is, since I shall be leaving this city tomorrow, I probably won’t see you any time soon. So, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you. Thank you in advance for lodging the complaint on my behalf too.”

“Those Rubanov fellows have no shred of common sense. Really, to make an enemy of the Adventurer’s Guild, they have basically turned the entire country into their enemy. Fuhahahaha!”

…somehow, I seem to have heard something disturbing. I’ll just… pretend I didn’t hear anything.

It’s best not to wake a sleeping lion…

[Gumihou: Woah, these Rubanov guys…]

[1] Embellished the Bishop’s dialogue to better represent his smarmy attitude. I have met a religious person who spoke like this. He was really skilled at making people agree with him.

[2] Deleted quite a bit of repetitive ‘wow, these guys are dumb’ dialogues.

[3] Describe the ‘fighting’ scene.