Tondemo Skill de Isekai Hourou Meshi

Gumihou: Deleted most of the ‘Ahhh!! I’m scared’ x many, many times and tighten up the writing in general. Too many changes to note.

Swish~ swish~ swish~

As the wind shook the tree branches above me, I went on with my cooking.

“The sound of the breeze in the trees is surprisingly pleasant~”

Right now, I am making meatballs in that very same clearing where we had first arrived. Mostly because the area here has the most light. Also, I can cook so casually in the middle of a forest infested by Behemoths because both Fer and Grandpa Gon had cast barrier on me.

I’m naturally hesitant about being alone in this kind of place, but Fer had said, ‘I want to have dinner right away after our hunt’ before rushing off with the rest of my familiars.

“… …” I guess that’s that.

Having nothing better to do, I decided to make meatballs with the mincemeat that Sui had minced for me.

Alone.

In a forest that may or may not contain a Behemoth.

Or Behemoths

Under a double barrier-

Guaaaaaaaa….

-with creepy monster roars and shrieks punching through the gentle swishing of tree branches.

The first few guaaa and guoo startled me badly. However, after a while it was mostly annoying instead of scary. I mean, I look up every time it happens, kind of like when I hear police sirens or something. However, since nothing came out of the woods, I kept on kneading the meat in my bowl.

There’s really no point worrying about what would happen if I were attacked, I’m fairly sure of the durability of the double barriers, the main issue is… well, the waiting, and the feeling of isolation.

All of which could be alleviated by cooking!

Yes, let’s cook up a storm!

Let’s make Meatball in Sweet and Sour Sauce and Meatball Soup.

To make meatballs, first mix the minced Dungeon Pork with chopped onions, eggs, bread crumbs, saké, sesame oil, minced ginger (in tube), soy sauce, salt and pepper.

Knead the meat until the mixture became sticky. This is to help the meat form gluten strings that would hold the meat together when cooked. The next thing to do is to form the balls.

I generally roll the meatballs into balls that were slightly larger than I would like, since they would shrink during cooking. Especially during deep frying.

To save time, I got a couple of pots of oil going even as I roll more meatballs out. The lines of raw meatballs eventually became lines of perfectly fried, golden brown meatballs on cooling racks.

“Phew, that’s a lot of meatballs. Although I guess Fer and the rest would soon demolish them. Let’s make the sweet and sour sauce now.”

To make the sauce, in a heavy bottom pan, mix water, ketchup, vinegar, soy sauce, sugar, saké, mirin and potato starch in a pot. Then, just heat it up until thickened. Once the sauce is done, toss the fried meatballs in the sauce and tumbled them onto a bed of lettuce with a sprinkle of white sesame seeds for that little artistically pleasing look.

“And the first plate of Sauced Meatballs is done~ fufufu, let’s try one now~”

I picked up one of the meatballs with my cooking chopsticks and took a bite, “Huff, huff, it’s hot, but, phew, still crunchy on the outside and juicy on the inside~~ the sauce is simple, but irresistible~”

After swallowing the last bite of the meatball, I contemplated the plate, wondering if I should eat another when-

GRUOOOOOOO!!!!!!

That… sounded a lot closer than all the other roars.

I turned around and…

C-craackkk, crashhh!!!!

A giant tree was pushed aside by a large, unpleasantly familiar figure.

“A-a-a b-b-behe-”

“GRUOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

Stomp, stomp, stomp!

“Hiii!!!! No, no, no, wait, wait, don’t come here!!!!”

My magic stove!! My meatballs!!

The Behemoth suddenly launched itself into the air and I reflexively closed my eyes.

There was a resounding thump and crash!!!

However, when I opened my eyes, the Behemoth was… gone?

“Eh?”

“GRUOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

I finally noticed the unusual shadow around me. The Behemoth was on top of me!! More precisely, it was on top of the double barriers!!

I-I’m saved!!

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!

Ugh, even though the physical impact did not reach me, the awful sound and psychological impact still hurt!!

“GRUOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

S-shut it already!!

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! STOMP!!

“Please go away, just go away, please! You can’t get through the barrier and my familiars will be back soon. Speaking of which…”

“”Fer! Grandpa Gon!! Sui!! Dora-chan!! Helpp!! The Behemoth is here!!!””

Clang, crack!

Arggh, it’s starting to bite at the barrier…

Can I just say this? The sight of that hideous mouth filled with large fangs did nothing for my mental health I tell you. Nothing!!

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrr…”

Splat.

Urgh, drool was leaking out of its open mouth. So disgusting, so horrible…

I really, really don’t want to test the integrity of this barrier. So what if it was a double barrier? I would die if it crack just a little!

Fortunately, the Behemoth eventually lose interest in me. It ambled over to… My worktable!

“Hey, stop it!!”

The Behemoth ignored me as it begin to chomp through all the neatly lined-up fried meatballs on my makeshift earth table.

“”Hey!! Everyone, the Behemoth is eating your dinner!! It’s eating your meatballs!!!””

I swear, if that doesn’t bring the cavalry here, nothing will.

Then, something worse happened.

After chomping through most of the fried meatball, it aimed for my pan of sweet and sour sauce. My sweet and sour sauce, on my magic stove!!!

“My stove!!!” I shrieked as the stupid creature bit through the stove and upended it as it tried to get at the sauce and the one plate of nicely plated meatballs. “You wretched thing!! How dare you!!!”

Somehow, my Mithril Spear was in my hand as I charge forward and stabbed the horrible creature in the back. “Damn you! Damn you! Why the heck is your hide so harrddd!!!??”

My Mithril Spear with its supposedly outstanding sharpness, could not pierce through the Behemoth hide at all.

“Oraa!! Oraa!! Oraa!!!”

I barely managed to scratch its hide. The Behemoth turned around and… I swear it leered at me! I lowered my spear, preparing to charge again when it opened its mouth and…

“GUAAAHHH”

I was blown away by the sheer power of its roar, bouncing backwards and skidding for a few meters before finally stopping.

“C-curse you…”

The Behemoth leapt forward and batted its paw at me.

“Ughh…”

Somehow, even though I found myself rolling away, my body suffered no damage. The double barriers really worked, but… I was still being bat about the clearing like a ball by this stupid Behemoth, who ignored all of my attempts to stab him and ate all of my meatballs. This root of all evil even destroyed my precious magic stove!

Clang! Clang! Clang!

“Haahhh… hahhhh… hahh… how do you like that, hahh!!!??” I shouted as I smacked the Behemoth with my Mithril Spear.

The Behemoth paused.

Wait, did my attack work?

It looked up, and then…

… ran away into the forest.

“… what the heck?”

There was a rustle of something and I clutched my spear tightly, but all that came out of the forest were my familiars. They all rushed over, riding on Grandpa Gon’s back.

“Master, what happened-”

They all stared at the devastation around me.

“Th-th- this…!!!!??”

“Ah,” I said, “you’re a bit too late. The Behemoth came and…” I waved a hand at the destruction, “killed my magic stove and ate all the meatballs I just made…”

““IT ATE OUR DINNER!!!””

Ah, as expected, my familiars were super angry.

Well, I’m pretty angry myself, but… now that the Behemoth has left the premises, I suddenly felt exhausted.

Thud.

“”Master!!””

“”Aruji~!!””

“Ah… I’m tired…” I said as I lay splayed out on the ground.

Grrrrrrr…

Grrowwwllll…

I look sideways at my familiars.

“… hungry?”

“Umu…”

“Indeed…”

“”Yeah…””

“”Sui is hungry…””

“… haahhh… hold on,” I called up [Net Super] while lying down, and indiscriminately press the buttons for sweet buns. Lots and lots of sweet buns.

After checking out three boxes of buns, I continued to lie on the ground as Sui and Dora-chan open the packets of buns for everyone.

“”Aruji~ eat~”” Sui squished a bun against my cheek.

“Ah, Sui-tan is still the best,” I said with tears in my eyes as I chew on the sweet bun.

““Sui will destroy the bad monster that broke Aruji’s stove~!””

“… sure, let’s destroy him.”

“Umu, destroy.”

“Destroy.”

“”Let’s absolutely kill that thing dead.””

“Absolutely, and you know what, I’m going with you guys this time.”

[Gumihou: I… more or less readjusted the entire chapter, but please trust me when I say it delivers the spirit, if not the form of the story~~]